Just Call Me The BedBug Hitler

Jeeeeeeezuz.

You should have seen me. Really. Last night, around 10:30pm I take a hot bath (they have apparantly decided to turn off the heat in the building before Vancouver got a chance to realize that it's summer) and walk into my bedroom. I put on my now nightly attire - long pants tucked into huge socks, a turtleneck (the night before I wore a vneck and that little patch of exposed skin on my collarbone became a bedbug buffet) tucked into gloves. Tossing around some new ideas I figured I might use different pillows to see if that makes any difference at all and picked up one of the other, usually unused pillows and as I lifted it into the air I saw it. A bedbug. Running for cover followed by several other baby versions! There they were, finally, the actually bugs in front of my eyes!! I pounced on the bed and tried to follow them as the ran away so not to lose them or maybe to find out where their 'home' might be...and as I peeked under one of the posts on my headboard I saw it hiding.

What happened over the next few hours is still a blur. I went ape shit. All I know is I wrapped some sort of fabric around my face, got the raid, some tweezers and pill bottle and went to town. I ripped my bed apart holding my lamp in one hand to shed more direct light on the subjects and started to root them out. I dismantled my bedframe, turned my mattress over, unscrewed hinges, tore baseboards off the wall. And let me tell you ----

They were - are - everywhere.

I sprayed and killed and captured over a dozen of the big, engorged-with-my-blood adults and many more little baby ones. I found nests of eggs and fecal matter. All the evidence I have been wanting for two months just suddenly appeared. I was too driven to be horrified. I was in a rage. Damn you, you little bastards, I kept thinking, you wanna drink my blood? Drive me insane?! Think again....and I twisted my body into positions I forgot it could get into just to inspect areas and cracks and crevices to find these enemies of mine. I did this until I was totally exhausted and my room looked like a hurricane had hit it...well, I suppose a hurricane HAD hit it - its name was Krista.

High from the fumes and the frustration, I collapsed onto my couch at 3am and tried to warm myself under a few fleece blankets. My sleep was erratic and uncomfortable. I felt like I was being bitten all night, which maybe I was because who is to say that they are only in my bedroom??? I woke up every two hours and checked the clock. Finally, when my alarm went off at 10am, I had nothing left in me but saddness. My home. My sanctuary. It is haunted by ghosts of a love that has torn me to shreds, is filled with bugs that have covered me head to toe in itchy bites, has a shower with a burst pipe that drips rusty water from the ceiling and is slowly starting to feel more and more like a liability than a home. I loved this apartment. But, like the doctor I saw today said to me, maybe it is time for me to move. Sleeping like a stranger on my own couch, I definitly feel like the universe is trying to tell me something.

Today, I vaccumed and sprayed bleach on everything. Now, the place smells like a public pool. Tomorrow morning I go to Pender and I couldn't be happier to get out of here and that breaks my already broken heart. Next weekend I will test to see if I am still getting bitten and when I probably do, I will call Pest Control, money or no money. Either I will win or they will win...

but either way, feels like this character may be needing to exit stage right with a slow fade to black...

...end scene.

A MishMash of Emotion

You will have to forgive me if this blog ends up being a stream of consciousness, unconnected dots scattered in paragraph form, thoughts and feelings from a heart and mind that seem to be as erratic as is this journey to healing...

Happiness = Seattle with Eric, filled with shopping and talking non-stop about relationsihps and eating awesome food (oh glorious the days when I have an appetite). We ended up dancing at Camp Jitterbug, a lindy exchange of sorts, jammed into a room packed with the nation's very best dancers. My ass was kicked -- I have never danced that hard in my life with that many good leads. It was an orgy of great dance after great dance after great dance. By the time we left, I was humbled, exhausted and happy. Had to get naked in the parking lot and change clothes as the ones I went in with were sopping. Good day.

Saddness = Looking up at the Space Needle in Seattle and remembering Our 1 year anniversary. Still confused how he has let it all go, how it is that he has replaced me so quickly, how I could have believed that I meant so much more than I obviously did...painful painful thoughts.

Joy = Rehearsing with Windflower...prepping for our gig on the 10th, singing my heart out supported by these amazing musicians and kept afloat by how much they love to play music. Existing on a planet out there on Pender where my talents are respected and revered and my light gets to shine bright, bright, bright. When we are in the middle of a set, my breathe comes easier and I believe once again that I am going to be better than okay...I am going to come out of all of this stronger than before.

Quote = When your heart seems broken, remember that is posssibly only cracked open in order to recieve even more love.

Frustration = Whatever is biting me is now biting everyone else in the building. I don't know what to do! Last night, and you gotta picture this, I went to bed with long pants tucked into my socks and a long sleeved shirt tucked into gloves. I know, the image is so sexy you're having a hard time containing yourself. I am going to a doctor again on Tuesday to see if I can get another opinion...something. I dunno. It is driving me from my apartment.

Inspiration = Come fall my heart is calling me to get outta here. I stayed in the face of this breakup and I have tried...but I long for adventure, to meet new people, for new love, for places and faces that don't remind me of Jordan. I am looking at schools outside of BC, of jobs that would take me away for 6 months to year, to travelling that would give me something to look forward to...this summer might change things, but so far, I have not 'gotten okay' with being so close and yet so far from the man that I still, unfortunately, love. Am conjuring, like a magician, many possibilities...

Addiction = Thought I might see Jo again this weekend at dancing or the Centre or a MM meeting, but never happened. Wild how disappointed I am and how relieved...all at the same time. I want to be near him and I dread it -- it really does feel like an addiction that I am trying to break out of...wanting something that is so hurtful to you, desiring something despite the risks...is this the co-dependency thing that Jo always talked about? Was I more addicted to him than in love with him?

Relativity = Just heard about a friend's co-worker who's son was stabbed to death this weekend. Remembered how blessed I am and how thankful that most everything else in my life is beautiful and safe and loving and good.

Questioning = I am always cold. Always. I can't seem to get warmed up. What is that all about?

Manifesting = more RAM, an iPod, a digital camera/video camera, straight teeth, perfect eyesight, the rest of the Season 3 episodes of One Tree Hill, a piano, a bugless apartment, more graphic/web design/development tutoring, front tire hubcaps, a visit with Sean/Emma/Alex, a payed off credit card, a gym membership, an alternative to gasoline, a bike ride around Stanley Park, hot hot hot summer weather, adventure and someone wonderful to share it all with until the day I die, amen.

Ok, that AND a terrific non-solo orgasm.

Til then, I will settle for some lunch.

A Poem of Phosphorescence

I sit near this dock on an Island dark
Moments before 30
Ignoring the rain that drenches me
and the reasons why I'm worthy

Oh, It's a beautiful life inside these lies
How could I ask for more?
Nothing but shoreline and seaweed salt
And the light from the general store

And the ocean twinkles electric
And the sky's all black and blue
There's beauty here, I see that clearly,
But what there's not, is you,
No more,
What there's not, is you.

It's a waterfall of tears now
And I hope I've paid my due
Because after this, there best be bliss,
If I can't be next to you,
No more,
If I can't be next to you.

I take a mental polaroid
Of the hell I'm going through
Sitting Alone with the Pacific O
And it's phosphorescent hue

Could be that years and years from now
The memory will be sweet
But until then, It's cold, wet pain
And I dangle in my feet

And the ocean twinkles electric
And the sky's all black and blue
There's beauty here, I see that clearly,
But what there's not, is you,
No more,
What there's not, is you.

It's a waterfall of tears now
And I hope I've paid my due
Because after this, there best be bliss,
If I can't be next to you,
No more,
If I can't be next to you.

Found some stars to wish upon tonight
Captured inside this wave
So quick to spark, so quick to die
So quick their watery grave

I'd scoop them up into my hands
If I thought that they would stay
But as if simply by my wanting
They're guaranteed away

...And I'm stayin' out here until daylight comes
I'm waitin' for the dawn
Then I'll let go of this broken heart
And write an ending to this song...

And the ocean twinkles electric
And the sky's all black and blue
There's beauty here, I see that clearly,
But what there's not, is you,
No more,
What there's not, is you.

It's a waterfall of tears now
And I hope I've paid my due
Because after this, there best be bliss,
If I can't be next to you,
No more,
No, I won't be next to you.

What Comes Next

I woke up this morning feeling restless. My long weekend has been excellent, really, full of friends and fun and the Pacific Ocean. But this morning, as I sit here typing, my knee can't stop bouncing up and down, full of excess energy or anxiety or something. I am staring at my knee thinking, what is this? Trying to figure out how I am feeling. I think I am coming down off the high of those prescription antihistamines that that loser doctor gave me for the bites that aren't going away. That, or more sadness and fear is rising to the top this morning and isn't quite sure yet how to escape.

For the first time in a long time, perhaps because I have had this breakup to focus on and deal with, I have thought about what is going to come next after Ptarmigan, after this summer. My mother so wonderfully reminded me that I committed to taking my Real Estate exam at some point. Ug. Part of me is saying 'why take the exam if you have no desire to pursue it as a career?'. The other part of me says 'take it because you said you would, even if you don't pursue it as a career'. Another voice says 'what if you take it and fail it? worse yet, what if you take it, pass it, have nothing else obvious to walk toward and end up getting sucked up into it?'. It is a conflict that I have been enjoyably avoiding. I know how proud my family would be of me, how much money I could make, how good it would feel to have the kinds of freedoms that making good money would bring. I also know how I felt being in the industry before, how your cell phone rings at all hours, how life and death everyone is about these stupid deals, how unhappy most RE salespeople I know actually are despite their money. I dunno. Sigh. Thinking aobut this is making my leg bounce even harder.

Another thought that has bubbled up this long weekend is about taking off somewhere in the fall. Just getting away somehow. I have been through ALOT and I didn't run when I wanted to...I stayed put like everyone challenged me to do, redecorated my apartment, slept with the bugs, let Jordan use my heart until he found a replacement and still stayed to pick up those newly shattered pieces. I think I have done my time. The thought of some kind of new adventure waiting for me in September gives me hope. That, or going back to school somewhere new to study something that actually excited me. Or perhaps all I need is a vacation and not a move seeing that I am still quite taken with Vancouver and with BC. But something. Somewhere. Meet new people. Do new things. Breathe, Krista. Breathe.

I breathe and my leg stops bouncing.

Let it unfold. That is what I want to be able to do. Just be in the Now and let the rest unfold. Just breathe. Let the stuff bubble up. Allow myself to be sad today imaging what a lovely overcast day in bed We could have had together. Face the lonely silence of my refrigerator humming, my heart beating. Sit inside the frustration of these bites, these hives, these things multiplying. Be okay with not knowing my future. Not resist the panic in my bouncing knee that I might be alone forever. Feel. Feel it. Feel it all.

Ouch.

Dan The Swing Out Man

My friend Dan who I met last year at a swing dance and swings me out better than any other lead I have ever danced with has been diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy). They are speaking to him as if he will soon, very soon, be bound to a wheelchair. For now, he is trying to live his life as best he can considering he must avoid things like stairs at all costs.

This has come out of nowhere. It puts all my pain, all my struggles into perspective. I imagine, with all my complaining, about waking up one day and my challenge that day isn't just to not think of Jordan with another girl, but to simply walk across the room. I take this time, here and now, to thank the Universal One for my health, my wellbeing, my fingers, my toes, my lovely arms and strong legs. It makes dealing with my stupid bites (or whatever they are) with a grain of salt. If itchy bites are the worst of it for me, then I am doin' okay.

Looks like my weekend is going to fill up with lots of plans with lots of friends. After one comes out of the hibernation of coupling, they remember just how much of a social life they had before they fell in love. I am thankful, too, for my friends.

Thankfully thankful, I send this blessed energy to you, Dan.

Hold on. Let Go. Believe.

Go Oil

Saw Jordan at Showboat tonight - which for those of you who don't know is a place where we all go Lindy Hopping - and I did not shrivel up and die. In fact, after the initial shock of seeing him, I just felt sort of a numb, empty feeling. Almost boredom. Or emotional exhaustion. I dunno, but It was good to not care really. That boy has screwed up by losing me. Period. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. Thank God. We danced a couple of times and went our seperate ways. Surreal and strange, yet oddly okay. Let Sarah have him. I'm done.

So the Oilers win and I begin to Let Go. Glory, glory, hallelujiah.

So, some Konkin Picks just 'cause I am in a good mood:

Best Metaphysical Movie Find
A Waking Life

Book Recommended By Too Many People To Not Be Good
The Timetraveller's Wife

Song That Rings True and Has a Rockin' Video
What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts

Website That I Am Working On Of The Company I Work For
www.artforchange.ca

Coolest Cool Website Discovery
www.nationalbreakupday.com (June 2nd, FYI)

That is all for tonight. Am curious if I will get bitten back here in my bed in 206. Long weekend stretches ahead of me. Sorta look forward to it and sort of dread it. Getting my appetite back and last night I had a pretty normal sleep. Want to meditate more. Today I spent a good twenty minutes on the water just sitting and being. Felt good. Really like working on the website at work even If I am not very good at it...reminds me of why I used to want to study more graphic arts stuff...perhaps I still will. Had the feeling the other day of taking off for somewhere in the fall for a few months. As I come up for breath, as I no longer feel like I am drowning, a million new thoughts and possibilities fill my heart. All at once I am new to Vancouver again, sitting in Kyle's apartment, my own person and Jordan Lewin is a blip in time. I have felt like the loser for so long now...but now I begin to see...I am still playin' the game...it ain't over...

She shoots, she scores.

A Light, A Tunnel and The Upper Yurt

I am typing this a slightly different woman than the last time I typed. So a miracle has occurred. A small miracle, but none the less, a miracle.

Today, I woke up and thought about catching the ferry on time instead of Jordan. I then realized I was kinda hungry and when I stood up out of bed, I did not immediately have to run to the bathroom. Thrilled, I slowly got ready for my day in a house by the ocean, grabbed a pear, sat out on the back deck and watched the ocean. I felt almost peaceful.

Today, I was paid to work on a website. I loved that. I mean, I was totally in over my head and I thought about Jordan a gazillion times becaues there were so many questions that I wanted to ask him, but mostly I was just focused on deciphering mangled HTML. On breaks, I went out into the HOT SUN (another miracle) and laid back on picnic tables for a quick pick-me-upper. Every time I would feel my thoughts slide to Jordan and Sarah fucking like wildcats all weekend on the side of a mountain, sweaty from their 45 mile, 80 degree angle hike, I would take a sip of water and just say no. And wierdly, today, that kinda worked.

At some point, today, I thought to myself, I wonder if there will be any hot, young, Christian camp councellor boys arriving soon? No sooner did I think it, then I walked out of my office and smack dab into Greg from Saskatoon (of all places! god, we breed 'em well). Hi, I smiled. Hi, he smiled. Hmmmmmmm, I thought. At lunch, Greg is introduced as Haven of Hope's first camp councellor to arrive for the summer, fresh from Bible College. Jaime, my co-worker, gives me that look from across the table. I deduce that he must be all of 20 or 21. After lunch he pulls out his Powerbook and I am --- what's this? --- flirting! I actually remember how! I am also sorely remembering that my 30th birthday is in about four weeks. Ah well. He is staying in the Upper Yurt, just a short walk through the trees, If I should ever find myself *ahem* lost or something.

Today, I ate supper for real. Not one or two bites, clutching my cramping stomache, but a whole plate of food. And tonight, I am blogging without tears running down my face. In fact, I am beginning to think that Mr. Lewin has made a terrible mistake letting me go...which is an improvement on the more common thought - what If I never get to hold him ever again?

Some of this strength of spirit is because I received an email back from Him last night. It was kind and that was healing. It was also a repeat of all the hurtful crap I have heard a million times 'I wish I could have made it work' and 'I will always care about you', but In Its predictability came a safe peace and a layer of boredom. I am thankful to know that I will be able to dance with him someday at the Legion or chat him about Design questions in some distant future or see him at the Centre without too much drama...that is, until the day comes when I get to see Him with Her at one of Our places. But that's a blog that I will cross when I come to it.

Some of this strength of spirit is because of my friends and their excellent support and amazing wisdom. Thank you, friends. Martine and Caitlin, you will be proud to know that I did not log on to any of my IMs for all of Monday and Tuesday. Jennie, thank you for letting me tag along during your social outings. Leanne, thank you for telling me that you think I am way cuter and cooler than Her. Eric, thank you for assuring me you would protect me at the dance. Darryl, thank you for your comment on my last post. Ian, I am writing lots of unsent letters by hand. Shell, I agree and will and can only take tiny baby steps. Jessi, I am so glad that you let me help me with your upset on Saturday because It assured me that I am not totally alone and that all relationships are hard sometimes. Annemarie, you rock when you tell me stories of the Ex that took you 6 years to get over! Sean, thank you for explaining why and how I am not Borderline. Michael, for reminding me that I am desirable. Aidan, thank you for helping me not beat up on myself, Dean, for knowing me going on 18 years now and still loving me and Brent David, thank you for patting me on the back for Living Out Loud. Joelle, I promise to go see a doctor if my appetite goes away again. And to Mom, thank you for absolutely everything everything everything.

I tread carefully.
The tunnel is still so dark.
But finally some light.
Hope dies.
Hope is born.

Beginning is Easy -
Continuing Hard.

Reinventing Pink

Haven't slept or eaten much of anything in almost 14 days.
Went to Wreck beach today and laid my pain down in the sun.
Of course, that beach made me think of Him
Surrounded by friends I lay still and didn't die.
That's gotta count for something.
Wept at the Centre this morning.
Jen's hand on my back willed me to Let Go and Wail
I could not
Make that kind of spectacle.
Looked Up through tears and all this Love stared back.
Leora winked at me as she sang.
John's steady stare softened the sting.
Ruth's email later that day declaring that I, Krista,
Have Reinvented Pink.
Chip telling me to breathe.
My mother, on Mother's Day, being a Mom.
My Doctor friend wanting to help,
To Prescribe me sleeping pills.
Her brother
Once a sullen teen
A Man telling me that I looked good.
Taking the stairs
Home again
Liking the physical pain of the climb
Hardly noticing as I wondered what He was doing
Giving Him my power
Trying to forgive myself for it.
Meeting 22 year olds who have looked
Cancer in the face
Watching how they embrace life
Stomache cramping
Wishing for a miracle
Hoping for a miracle
Waiting for a miracle

If You Had One More Day To Live

Tonight I walked through this island with a thousand voices racing in my head and in the silent gaps I whispered hello to the trees and laid down in tall grasses and stared at the sky. Tonight, these voices were different, albeit the original ones were still there muttering 'he never loved you, he was never passionate about you, you are not special enough to be passionate about and you will never again find magical love so give up'. Those old voices grumbled and my stomache tightened around the suspicion that what they spoke was true, but there was this other melodic voice and It said something different.

It asked me 'what would Love do? what would Love say?' and then It answered itself 'I'm sorry, I miss you, I 'm sorry, I love you' and like a chant I walked down the island roads to Its rhythm and onto a path that led me nowhere, somewhere. I heard It ask me 'what if he was taken from this world tomorrow? what would you regret not saying? what would you stand beside his coffin and wish you could tell him? what do you need to say?' And again there was simply 'I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry'.

At some point down this path I found myself standing on this rickety old dock staring at a marsh and the sun was so low, but still it caught the water and it was beautiful. I squeezed my eyes together tightly to stop myself from crying. Then, the muttering voices caught me off guard. They warned 'you can't say anything to him. he has found someone else now. he doesn't care about you. you told him to get out of your life. he won't forgive you. he probably isn't even thinking about you at all. he will laugh at you and tell to leave him alone. he won't trust you. you aren't trustworthy. it's hopeless.'

But I opened my eyes and in spite of their muttering watched the sun set completely and then kept on walking. With every step back home to my cabin the muttering slowed and I heard what I knew was Truth speak again. 'you must feel what you feel proudly. you must tell him what you feel always. you must not die with your music still inside of you.'

I could feel what was coming next and more tears rose and the night enveloped me. Softly the Voice added '...and then, krista, you must set him free. you must tell him with your whole heart knowing that he may not say anything back, knowing that he might not feel that same way, knowing that he might scold you, scoff at you, reject you yet again. you must because it is Who You Are and he must know It and It mustn't be about getting results or getting him back or getting anything at all. you must tell him you are sorry and that you miss him. you must tell him that you have loved him more deeply and more completely than you have ever loved before and that you still do and that you always will. then, krista, you must turn and walk away. you must love him while letting him go. are you ready?'

Back in my cabin and in front of my computer, that walk seems like a dream and I am afraid. I am not sure if I am ready.

But I tonight I became clearer on what it is I have to do.

The Beautiful Men I Call My Past

Won't dwell on this again, but to check in honestly, I am not doing very well today. Feel propelled to apologize to Jordan, to contact him. Afraid of getting rejected or laughed at or ignored. Don't want to disrespect the space that we both need to move on. Miss him. Want to find a peaceful resolution. Want him in my life in some way, even if it is very small. Not sure he wants to ever talk to me again. Terrified to find out. Terrified to watch him evaporate entirely from my life. Scared all the time. Not eating. Not sleeping. Still getting bitten by bugs. Pain. Exhaustion. Feel like I am mourning a death.

But something interesting and beautiful has occurred in the past week. I have spoken to both Aidan and Dean. Two of my greatest loves, my most signifigant Ex's. Both conversations were kind, caring, loving even. Both of them were so supportive of me and what I am going through and, even though I hurt both of them badly, were sad to hear how sad I am. That boggles my mind. I always tell the 'story' about how my Ex's think I am the devil. But it isn't true. They still love me. They have always loved me. They want me to be happy. Years later, these men are still some of the most compassionate, wonderful human beings that I know! How is this possible? Will I one day be able to have this with Jo? How much time must past? Do I still have the magical ability to manifest amazing men? I am ready now for the love and commitment that Aidan and Dean offerred back then...and that Jordan is not ready for yet. Timing. Will I meet someone who will be ready now that I am? Could I have used up all my chances?

Watched Oprah today and something was said about breakups that I found stuck. Once two people have broken up their work is not done. There is still mending and healing work that can and should be done together. Maybe this is what I am going through right now with Jo...the ups and downs of the post-breakup work that a conscious relationship requires.

Back to Pender tomorrow. Thank God. It is a graceful blessing to have somewhere to go that is so healing. Please, everyone reading this, send me your love energy. I am stumbling greatly and need all the help and support I can get. Hard to ask for help. Harder to be alone in this pain.

A quote from an affirmation I read yesterday:
"I let go of that part of myself that is certain it is better to suffer and feel like someone than it is to just let go and quietly be no one."

Not even sure how I feel about that quote. Not sure I am ready to be no one. Not sure I can keep enduring all this sufferring.

The Truth is I am sure. Somewhere on some level. It will all unfold before me sooner or later. I must Hold On.

Thank you Aidan and thank you Dean. Thank you for loving me so much then and for still sending me such love even Now. If only I could have met you at a time when I knew myself, knew what I had. You were both amazing partners and are never far from my heart, no matter how much time passes, no matter who I currently call my partner. We were the lucky ones.

I said I would love you forever and I do. I love you...both of you...all of you...

...including Jordan...

for the love changes forms and sometimes wears clothes that look like anger or jealousy or hate or shame...but underneath All Of It there is the Love and it is constant and for reminding me of that this week I am forever grateful.

Sleepless In Vancouver

I haven't slept much at all for six nights in a row now.

I am becoming loopy with tiredness.

I feel like I am clinging to a doorknob as a proverbial door tries to shut. I am using all my strength to keep it from shutting and still it slips inch by inch. In this metaphor crowds of people are watching this, throwing stones at me and beating me and doing all they can to rip my grip from that doorknob. I am slowly becoming a bruised, battered, exhausted pile of flesh and still I cling with every last molecule of will in my body. It feels as if I might die if that door closes. I am not ready to let go.

I miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I know that I said that I hate him. But under the hate is love and under the love is pain and under the pain, I just miss him.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

As for yesterday, Seattle was a blast. It was amazing to be in a room filled with over a thousand people who share my same spiritual philosophy. It was amazing to be somewhere I didn't need a turtleneck when I burst into tears. In that two hours I was filled with a joy that was bigger than all this crap going on in my life and I was lifted. Truly. I was even filled with an overwhelming urge to Let Go of this crap. But later that day, driving back to Canada, I knew the doorknob was still there in my tight little fist.

Picture of Jen and I in the car, driving at about 7am -- not bad lookers for having gotten up before 6am...


The question I ask myself this morning is this: what would happen in my ideal situation? (Ok, other than HTSNBN showing at my door and having complete and total Knowing about Us and choosing Me forever.) Would it be better if we could still talk to each other in a polite and tidy way? Do I wish that things were still like they were in April? The way they were in November? That is where I am stuck, I guess. All the options seem to end up leaving me sad, sad, sad and the first option may only ever exist in my dreams.

So, I cling to my friends and my work schedule gets busier and busier. I become a part of Windflower - Pat's band at Pender - and we already have about 4 or 5 gigs. I will still go to the MM Meeting as I doubt he will be there and give of my service and attend the Centre and dance when I get a chance. Perhaps I will even start a creative project here in Vancouver and I have a bunch of visitors coming throughout summer. I could start dating, but the guy might wonder why I am clutching a doorknob the whole time we are out. Past that, I just wait and hurt and wait and hurt...and hope and cry and wait...and miss him...

And wish that I did not.

The Good 'Ol Days

I came across this posting of mine from the end of 2004. I was so happy. I was the kind of chick that I would want to know. Finding this posting has been the catalyst to a small spark of healing that is starting to pull me out of the nightmare. Here was me, just as I was starting to fall for HTSNBN, back when my life was mine...

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Conclusion

Thank you one and all for riding this wave with me in 2004.

I end this blog at the same computer at which it started, buried deeply into the safety that is my childhood bedroom. Everything around me is familiar and yet nothing is the same.

This has been the most incredible year of my life.

I cut my hair, left my career, walked away from a dream, sold all my materials goods, said farewell to a city that held me for ten years and ended a relationship with a man who i could have easily stayed with forever. I did it all because at some point i had begun to not recognize myself and i knew i needed to shed all my stories and all my life boats and all my habitual definitions and see what lurked beneath. I set out this year to find a new path and decided ultimately to do it all by myself. There were some points i wondered if i might drown. There were definitly moments that i didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But because of my new found faith in It All, in myself, i trusted the Universe and it has delivered me.

And now i am living a life more raw and real and beautiful and authentic than i ever thought imaginable. In fact, like the book that Jordan gave me for Christmas, it seems that i will be living an unimaginable life from here on in.

I have new dreams that quietly grow in me daily...baby dreams, MY dreams - seedlings that i water and nuture and protect...

I have a new geographical home. I look at mountains on my way to work, i dance on beaches that touch the Pacific Ocean, i have a wardrobe of umbrellas.

I have my very own sanctuary. Living on my own is as wondeful as i always thought it would be. My apartment is a home -- warm, welcoming, inspired, safe.

I have kept the old friendships that have embraced my changed and evolved Self and gently released those that have not. I have made so many new friends with such shining souls that i can't believe that i have not known them a lifetime.

I have discovered ways of dancing and singing and writing and performing that are not about competeing and judging and achieving and panicking.

I have looked my ego straight in the face and said - no more will you beat on me. No more will you try to convince me that i am selfish or cold or spoiled or cruel or lazy or fat or a failure. I will not allow you to treat me like shit anymore. The only one welcome here is the Truth and that Truth knows that i am perfect, beautiful, lovable and kind. I have a restraining order out on Ego and my bruises are starting to fade.

I have started a flow of money in my life that feels so good that i refuse to apologize for it or its source -which i know is ultimately Spirit. I like my job for the freedom it has given me, for the safe vehicle that it has provided to get me from there to here. I wear corporate power clothes, i 'do' lunch, i give out business cards, i look forward to weekends. I am having so much fun and although i know it is not where i will end up, i am enjoying the journey.

I have a great car, i have acquired beautiful things, i will most likely acquire more of them...or not. Whatever. I know now that i don't need things and, although i enjoy them, i could sell everything again tomorrow and be perfectly content. What freedom!

I have lost weight, healed my body of several maladies and have an immune system so strong that i feel untouchable.

I have watched my love affair with transpersonal psychology through Course in Miracles, Science of Mind and other New Thought teachings grow and grow and grow. These teachings/philosophies are not a 'phase' i am going through. They are the manifestation of my silent ponderings, the culmination of my 27 year search for home.

Last, but not least, i have been handed Jordan Hart Goode Lewin. I said goodbye to Aidan to do the next leg of my journey alone and i wasn't sure when or how i would ever be ready to be in partnership again. What i forgot was that wasn't a decision i needed to make. Life made it for me. On November 27 i met my next biggest challange. I have redefined myself, proven to myself who i am without anyone, experienced joy on my own under my own direction. Now Life is asking me to do all this while opening completely once again to love. Every fear i have ever had about myself and men and relationships and heartbreaks and sex have come to visit me again in the form of a beautiful man who adores me. I thought at first i wasn't ready, but i know better. Nothing is handed to you that you aren't ready for...

So 2005 will begin with me feeling more myself than ever before AND with my hand being held by a boy from Colarado - who i know is just another angel here to deliver me to myself. I don't know what is going to happen. I get that there are no guarantees. I am aware that i will miss the mark sometimes and feel fear and get lost and be found and redefine stuff day in and day out. I commit only to 2 things: showing up and....well...lol... making up the rest as i go along. But i know. I know that i know that i know.

I have never been so happy. I have never felt so precious. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

"Let the adventure begin, for we are ready. Welcome magic, which is everything real we can not see, welcome insanity, which is everything unexplainable we were taught to fear. Welcome Spirit, which is love, welcome love, which is everything."

And deliver me to myself he has...

Left me with myself to fall in love with I...

All over again.

Crying Into My Turtleneck

If Time heals then Time is slacking off.

I woke up this morning and here is what immediately and I mean IMMEDIATELY came to my mind:
HTSNBN naked rolling over and intertwining his body into TOHWTRMW's naked body and they slowly wake up and look at each other and sleepily smile and soft joy fills their naked, hippy bodies as they thank the Universe for delievering them from their past relationship that just always felt 'wrong' into this one which feels oh-so 'right'.

So, that is how I started my day.

It didn't get better. By evening I found myself in this scenerio:
Me curled up in an old arm chair in a dark dining hall at a bible camp, surrounded by about forty people watching a Missionary video while I silenty cry, face covered by my turtleneck to muffle my sobs, pretending to watch the same video when really I am googling up info about TOHWTRMW and dying inside.

Which takes me to now.

I have just stood beside a woodfire spitting tiny fireworks onto a night sky bright with stars. With a background soundtrack of a toad and cricket chorus, my monkey mind has listed all the ways TOHWTRMW is perfect for him:
She is all the things that he loved about me; fiesty, smart, pretty, spiritually connected. She is all the things that I am not that make them such a good match; she is a hippy (without really quite wanting to admit it), she is into yoga (she is a certified teacher), she is a vegetarian (a life filled with quinoa and avocado), she is a techie (works for a company who is dedicated to using the web for social activism), she is an environmentalist (has a blog on a site called 30 Days of Sustainability), she has a meditation cushion beside her bed (told you I researched her), she lives in a community house (hippy speak for a bunch of messy people shoved into a a much too small space so that they can share everything and pretend they don't all want to kill each other), she is a self proclaimed Geek (PU-LEEEEZE, no one who actually thinks she is a geek posts 75+ photographs of herself on her Flickr site), she is into Photography (see last bracket), she is currently breaking up with someone who is not taking it well (get me his email address, we should talk), she hopes to one day live on an Island in BC and be a Certifiably Organic Country Gal (he has always dreamed of living on the Island), she is attractive to him (something I could never seem to sustain in his eyes) and when she has free time she likes to go hiking and spend it with the trees (of course she does).

I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK???

If I wrote a character called 'the perfect woman for HTSNBN' I could not have written a more perfect profile. Worst of all, with all my stalking It seems like she is the kind of woman that, If I didn't want dead, I would like.

I don't even know for sure if they are really getting together or together yet or if they will ever even take off as a couple or if they are already naming babies. I could be obsessing for nothing. But my instincts tell me its happenning. My gut says that maybe he has been preparing for this for months, for her. That is why it hurts. It is this sick knowing in the pit of my stomache.

So, about to sleep and I have allowed another beautiful day to be stolen from my precious, short life.

And these are the lyrics that ring in my ears:
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Teeter Totter

Moments of joy popping up through heaps of crap...like daffodils in manure.

Joy Moment: Getting on the ferry last night to come back to Pender, I suddenly felt like I was escaping the pain, duping it - heehee you can't catch me! The sun was setting and the water was calm and as the ferry pulled out I decided to sit on the deck and play Danny Boy on my tinwhistle. Since I am not very good yet on the tinwhistle this took my entire focus...which was hard with such a magnificent sunset occuring. There I was on the Pacific with no one else around and this yearning melody floating out into nowhere and a sky so alive that I could feel it touch my face and for a moment I forgot. It was then that I looked up and this handsome stranger was standing next to me. "I haven't heard one of those since I was a boy," he said to me in a thick Irish accent and I started to laugh and blush and hide my tinwhistle. He was smiling at me from ear to ear and he was about my age and he was beautiful. SAY SOMETHING BACK, I willed myself. "Would you like to try it?" I asked. "No, no," he replied, "keep playing, it sounded lovely." Then, as the sun set behind him he stood there and stared at me for a few more seconds and I simply could not make any more words come out of my mouth. "It was nice meeting you" I heard him say finally, reluctantly and then, he was gone.

Gone.

Ok, well, maybe not Gone with a capital G, but he had stepped out of this daffodil moment and into the ferry cabin and the moment passed. I could go in and still introduce myself, I knew. But somehow with the passing of the moment came and overwhelming heave of pain and a slow exhalation. I could have ran after him, but I did not. Why? Because I am shy and suck at talking to gorgeous men who are strangers. Because I feel unable to take any risk of rejection after how hugely I have been rejected. But mostly because I am not ready. Not yet. Because It was a perfect moment exactly as it was and I was content to leave it as that. Perfect.

Thank you, Irish stranger. Thank you for approaching me at sunset to the tune of Danny Boy while we floated on the ocean and for staring at me and my song like we were beautiful angels. The way you looked at me, the way you smiled, the way you kept looking...all of it reminded me...

... that one day HTSNBN will stop being inside my every thought, hope, breath and I will love again.

Not a bad daffodil for all this manure.

HTSNBN

I feel like shit today. Nauseous, unsettled, angry, sad, my body in knots.

I will myself to not care about He That Shall Not Be Named (HTSNBN). It was actually quite funny today, as I walked down the street, I tried to Tony Robbins myself into not caring. "OK GIRL," I said to myself in my head, "YOU CAN DO THIS. JUST CHOOSE TO LET IT GO COMPLETELY. GO BACK TO THE FALL OF 2004 BEFORE HTSNBN AND EMBRACE THAT PLACE YOU WERE IN - INDEPENDENT, HAPPY, CONTENT TO BE SINGLE. NOW, LIFT YOUR HEAD HIGH AND LOVE TODAY!!!!!!!!" And for a moment this motivational self-talk works and you see me get about 2 inches taller and I notice that it is sunny and the ache in my gut subsides and I think "It's working....".

Then, I realize what the consequences are of my rage, I picture Them together, I see all the moments of terrifying loneliness lining up before me and down I shrink and back comes my stomache ache. I know that walking around inside of my life this upset and angry and sad and jealous and scared will only put me in the prision. It won't affect HTSNBN or Sarah.

That is her name. Sarah. She has a website. She is a female version of him. Yes, I know it is self-torture to go to The One He Wants to Replace Me With's (TOHWTRMW) website and look at a gazillion pictures of her and read her blog until you start to dry heave. But it is Day One and I am not dealing well. I promise to not do it everyday. Much.

I just reread what I have written and I am sounding a bit too much like my brother's Ex. Sometimes it sucks to be conscious of your own craziness. Sometimes I wish I could just be blindfully blameful for more than one or two days and be the kind of person who secretly gets TOHWTRMW fired from her job or plants false evidence in HTSNBN's path so that he begins to question her credibility and ends up alone. Like the soap operas or Melrose Place or something. But once I have flown into a rage and cursed the world for a little while, I just end up sitting like a lump reconciled with the fact that if he would rather be with TOHWTRMW and she makes him happy, then why fight it? He only ever liked eating cookie dough with me. You can't build a future on cookie dough.

Off to Pender tonight. Thank God. I gotta get out of this place. Before I do something I will regret like rigging up a poison or, even worse, beg HTSNBN to forgive me and find time to squeeze me in every 7 weeks or so for an obligatory coffee where we would sit and talk about TOHWTRMW and how happy they are. I am blessed to have Pender.

How can I miss someone who is so hurtful?

Two Months Later...

It is May 1st...almost 2 months since I last blogged. These two months have been a roller coaster of life changing events for me and It has felt like being without my right hand to not blog about it. But I meant it when I said that being on my website makes me nauseous, so I stayed away and figured maybe it was okay to be going through some of my big decisions privately. Tonight, though, another break through occurred and I knew that even if it was going back to good 'ol blogger.com, I needed to start living out loud again. So here I am. Hello. It's been awhile.

First off, for those of you who really freaked out over my last blog entry entitled The End, please know that I am okay. You were witnessing the darkest days of my life as of yet and, yes, they did rattle my core. But with the love of my mother and my family and my other less-blood-related family (aka:friends) I somehow got through it. I stayed in Vancouver, I repainted the apartment and I got a great job on Pender Island. I stopped the Real Estate thing which was not making me happy and by the end of the month thought I would evolve up a notch on the Consciousness ladder and try to let Jordan back into my life in whatever way was possible. By April my life was looking up. Way up.

It is now May and I can tell you that I am glad that I made all the decisions I did even though the last decision, to allow Jordan into my life, crashed and burned. In fact, tonight, writing this, I can finally say that I have found my Anger about the SHITTY way I have been jacked around and I actually sort of hate him. He has led me on time and time again only to yank himself away and remind me that his actions speak nothing of his true feelings. He has even done this yanking trick post-break up and I allowed it. I laid myself down on the ground like a silly doormat and begged 'please walk on me'. Now, Jordan has met another girl (surprise, surprise, surprise) and I have decided it is the last insult. If he wants to be with another girl then he does not get to string me along side to watch.

From this moment on, i say JORDAN WHO?

Other than my intimate rage in this regard, I am pretty happy with my life. I am starting to grow back the spine that had seemed to turn to jelly over the last year. I love the Island and this new job that gives me the chance to make music and take walks and work without being stressed. My friends have shown up 100% the last 60 days and I have fallen in love with all of them in a deep and profound way. My apartment is lovely (other than the invisible bugs in my bed that keep biting me??!?) and I am making money again. It has been hard to be alone in this space, but I am coping. One day I hope to wake up and feel blessed again to be single.

Until then, I just keep picking up pieces of my broken heart and celebrate everything that this ending has brought me...

...which is, of course...a beginning.