A Light, A Tunnel and The Upper Yurt
I am typing this a slightly different woman than the last time I typed. So a miracle has occurred. A small miracle, but none the less, a miracle.
Today, I woke up and thought about catching the ferry on time instead of Jordan. I then realized I was kinda hungry and when I stood up out of bed, I did not immediately have to run to the bathroom. Thrilled, I slowly got ready for my day in a house by the ocean, grabbed a pear, sat out on the back deck and watched the ocean. I felt almost peaceful.
Today, I was paid to work on a website. I loved that. I mean, I was totally in over my head and I thought about Jordan a gazillion times becaues there were so many questions that I wanted to ask him, but mostly I was just focused on deciphering mangled HTML. On breaks, I went out into the HOT SUN (another miracle) and laid back on picnic tables for a quick pick-me-upper. Every time I would feel my thoughts slide to Jordan and Sarah fucking like wildcats all weekend on the side of a mountain, sweaty from their 45 mile, 80 degree angle hike, I would take a sip of water and just say no. And wierdly, today, that kinda worked.
At some point, today, I thought to myself, I wonder if there will be any hot, young, Christian camp councellor boys arriving soon? No sooner did I think it, then I walked out of my office and smack dab into Greg from Saskatoon (of all places! god, we breed 'em well). Hi, I smiled. Hi, he smiled. Hmmmmmmm, I thought. At lunch, Greg is introduced as Haven of Hope's first camp councellor to arrive for the summer, fresh from Bible College. Jaime, my co-worker, gives me that look from across the table. I deduce that he must be all of 20 or 21. After lunch he pulls out his Powerbook and I am --- what's this? --- flirting! I actually remember how! I am also sorely remembering that my 30th birthday is in about four weeks. Ah well. He is staying in the Upper Yurt, just a short walk through the trees, If I should ever find myself *ahem* lost or something.
Today, I ate supper for real. Not one or two bites, clutching my cramping stomache, but a whole plate of food. And tonight, I am blogging without tears running down my face. In fact, I am beginning to think that Mr. Lewin has made a terrible mistake letting me go...which is an improvement on the more common thought - what If I never get to hold him ever again?
Some of this strength of spirit is because I received an email back from Him last night. It was kind and that was healing. It was also a repeat of all the hurtful crap I have heard a million times 'I wish I could have made it work' and 'I will always care about you', but In Its predictability came a safe peace and a layer of boredom. I am thankful to know that I will be able to dance with him someday at the Legion or chat him about Design questions in some distant future or see him at the Centre without too much drama...that is, until the day comes when I get to see Him with Her at one of Our places. But that's a blog that I will cross when I come to it.
Some of this strength of spirit is because of my friends and their excellent support and amazing wisdom. Thank you, friends. Martine and Caitlin, you will be proud to know that I did not log on to any of my IMs for all of Monday and Tuesday. Jennie, thank you for letting me tag along during your social outings. Leanne, thank you for telling me that you think I am way cuter and cooler than Her. Eric, thank you for assuring me you would protect me at the dance. Darryl, thank you for your comment on my last post. Ian, I am writing lots of unsent letters by hand. Shell, I agree and will and can only take tiny baby steps. Jessi, I am so glad that you let me help me with your upset on Saturday because It assured me that I am not totally alone and that all relationships are hard sometimes. Annemarie, you rock when you tell me stories of the Ex that took you 6 years to get over! Sean, thank you for explaining why and how I am not Borderline. Michael, for reminding me that I am desirable. Aidan, thank you for helping me not beat up on myself, Dean, for knowing me going on 18 years now and still loving me and Brent David, thank you for patting me on the back for Living Out Loud. Joelle, I promise to go see a doctor if my appetite goes away again. And to Mom, thank you for absolutely everything everything everything.
I tread carefully.
The tunnel is still so dark.
But finally some light.
Hope dies.
Hope is born.
Beginning is Easy -
Continuing Hard.
Today, I woke up and thought about catching the ferry on time instead of Jordan. I then realized I was kinda hungry and when I stood up out of bed, I did not immediately have to run to the bathroom. Thrilled, I slowly got ready for my day in a house by the ocean, grabbed a pear, sat out on the back deck and watched the ocean. I felt almost peaceful.
Today, I was paid to work on a website. I loved that. I mean, I was totally in over my head and I thought about Jordan a gazillion times becaues there were so many questions that I wanted to ask him, but mostly I was just focused on deciphering mangled HTML. On breaks, I went out into the HOT SUN (another miracle) and laid back on picnic tables for a quick pick-me-upper. Every time I would feel my thoughts slide to Jordan and Sarah fucking like wildcats all weekend on the side of a mountain, sweaty from their 45 mile, 80 degree angle hike, I would take a sip of water and just say no. And wierdly, today, that kinda worked.
At some point, today, I thought to myself, I wonder if there will be any hot, young, Christian camp councellor boys arriving soon? No sooner did I think it, then I walked out of my office and smack dab into Greg from Saskatoon (of all places! god, we breed 'em well). Hi, I smiled. Hi, he smiled. Hmmmmmmm, I thought. At lunch, Greg is introduced as Haven of Hope's first camp councellor to arrive for the summer, fresh from Bible College. Jaime, my co-worker, gives me that look from across the table. I deduce that he must be all of 20 or 21. After lunch he pulls out his Powerbook and I am --- what's this? --- flirting! I actually remember how! I am also sorely remembering that my 30th birthday is in about four weeks. Ah well. He is staying in the Upper Yurt, just a short walk through the trees, If I should ever find myself *ahem* lost or something.
Today, I ate supper for real. Not one or two bites, clutching my cramping stomache, but a whole plate of food. And tonight, I am blogging without tears running down my face. In fact, I am beginning to think that Mr. Lewin has made a terrible mistake letting me go...which is an improvement on the more common thought - what If I never get to hold him ever again?
Some of this strength of spirit is because I received an email back from Him last night. It was kind and that was healing. It was also a repeat of all the hurtful crap I have heard a million times 'I wish I could have made it work' and 'I will always care about you', but In Its predictability came a safe peace and a layer of boredom. I am thankful to know that I will be able to dance with him someday at the Legion or chat him about Design questions in some distant future or see him at the Centre without too much drama...that is, until the day comes when I get to see Him with Her at one of Our places. But that's a blog that I will cross when I come to it.
Some of this strength of spirit is because of my friends and their excellent support and amazing wisdom. Thank you, friends. Martine and Caitlin, you will be proud to know that I did not log on to any of my IMs for all of Monday and Tuesday. Jennie, thank you for letting me tag along during your social outings. Leanne, thank you for telling me that you think I am way cuter and cooler than Her. Eric, thank you for assuring me you would protect me at the dance. Darryl, thank you for your comment on my last post. Ian, I am writing lots of unsent letters by hand. Shell, I agree and will and can only take tiny baby steps. Jessi, I am so glad that you let me help me with your upset on Saturday because It assured me that I am not totally alone and that all relationships are hard sometimes. Annemarie, you rock when you tell me stories of the Ex that took you 6 years to get over! Sean, thank you for explaining why and how I am not Borderline. Michael, for reminding me that I am desirable. Aidan, thank you for helping me not beat up on myself, Dean, for knowing me going on 18 years now and still loving me and Brent David, thank you for patting me on the back for Living Out Loud. Joelle, I promise to go see a doctor if my appetite goes away again. And to Mom, thank you for absolutely everything everything everything.
I tread carefully.
The tunnel is still so dark.
But finally some light.
Hope dies.
Hope is born.
Beginning is Easy -
Continuing Hard.
posted by KJ Konkin at 9:35 PM
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