Crying Into My Turtleneck
If Time heals then Time is slacking off.
I woke up this morning and here is what immediately and I mean IMMEDIATELY came to my mind:
HTSNBN naked rolling over and intertwining his body into TOHWTRMW's naked body and they slowly wake up and look at each other and sleepily smile and soft joy fills their naked, hippy bodies as they thank the Universe for delievering them from their past relationship that just always felt 'wrong' into this one which feels oh-so 'right'.
So, that is how I started my day.
It didn't get better. By evening I found myself in this scenerio:
Me curled up in an old arm chair in a dark dining hall at a bible camp, surrounded by about forty people watching a Missionary video while I silenty cry, face covered by my turtleneck to muffle my sobs, pretending to watch the same video when really I am googling up info about TOHWTRMW and dying inside.
Which takes me to now.
I have just stood beside a woodfire spitting tiny fireworks onto a night sky bright with stars. With a background soundtrack of a toad and cricket chorus, my monkey mind has listed all the ways TOHWTRMW is perfect for him:
She is all the things that he loved about me; fiesty, smart, pretty, spiritually connected. She is all the things that I am not that make them such a good match; she is a hippy (without really quite wanting to admit it), she is into yoga (she is a certified teacher), she is a vegetarian (a life filled with quinoa and avocado), she is a techie (works for a company who is dedicated to using the web for social activism), she is an environmentalist (has a blog on a site called 30 Days of Sustainability), she has a meditation cushion beside her bed (told you I researched her), she lives in a community house (hippy speak for a bunch of messy people shoved into a a much too small space so that they can share everything and pretend they don't all want to kill each other), she is a self proclaimed Geek (PU-LEEEEZE, no one who actually thinks she is a geek posts 75+ photographs of herself on her Flickr site), she is into Photography (see last bracket), she is currently breaking up with someone who is not taking it well (get me his email address, we should talk), she hopes to one day live on an Island in BC and be a Certifiably Organic Country Gal (he has always dreamed of living on the Island), she is attractive to him (something I could never seem to sustain in his eyes) and when she has free time she likes to go hiking and spend it with the trees (of course she does).
I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK???
If I wrote a character called 'the perfect woman for HTSNBN' I could not have written a more perfect profile. Worst of all, with all my stalking It seems like she is the kind of woman that, If I didn't want dead, I would like.
I don't even know for sure if they are really getting together or together yet or if they will ever even take off as a couple or if they are already naming babies. I could be obsessing for nothing. But my instincts tell me its happenning. My gut says that maybe he has been preparing for this for months, for her. That is why it hurts. It is this sick knowing in the pit of my stomache.
So, about to sleep and I have allowed another beautiful day to be stolen from my precious, short life.
And these are the lyrics that ring in my ears:
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
I woke up this morning and here is what immediately and I mean IMMEDIATELY came to my mind:
HTSNBN naked rolling over and intertwining his body into TOHWTRMW's naked body and they slowly wake up and look at each other and sleepily smile and soft joy fills their naked, hippy bodies as they thank the Universe for delievering them from their past relationship that just always felt 'wrong' into this one which feels oh-so 'right'.
So, that is how I started my day.
It didn't get better. By evening I found myself in this scenerio:
Me curled up in an old arm chair in a dark dining hall at a bible camp, surrounded by about forty people watching a Missionary video while I silenty cry, face covered by my turtleneck to muffle my sobs, pretending to watch the same video when really I am googling up info about TOHWTRMW and dying inside.
Which takes me to now.
I have just stood beside a woodfire spitting tiny fireworks onto a night sky bright with stars. With a background soundtrack of a toad and cricket chorus, my monkey mind has listed all the ways TOHWTRMW is perfect for him:
She is all the things that he loved about me; fiesty, smart, pretty, spiritually connected. She is all the things that I am not that make them such a good match; she is a hippy (without really quite wanting to admit it), she is into yoga (she is a certified teacher), she is a vegetarian (a life filled with quinoa and avocado), she is a techie (works for a company who is dedicated to using the web for social activism), she is an environmentalist (has a blog on a site called 30 Days of Sustainability), she has a meditation cushion beside her bed (told you I researched her), she lives in a community house (hippy speak for a bunch of messy people shoved into a a much too small space so that they can share everything and pretend they don't all want to kill each other), she is a self proclaimed Geek (PU-LEEEEZE, no one who actually thinks she is a geek posts 75+ photographs of herself on her Flickr site), she is into Photography (see last bracket), she is currently breaking up with someone who is not taking it well (get me his email address, we should talk), she hopes to one day live on an Island in BC and be a Certifiably Organic Country Gal (he has always dreamed of living on the Island), she is attractive to him (something I could never seem to sustain in his eyes) and when she has free time she likes to go hiking and spend it with the trees (of course she does).
I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK???
If I wrote a character called 'the perfect woman for HTSNBN' I could not have written a more perfect profile. Worst of all, with all my stalking It seems like she is the kind of woman that, If I didn't want dead, I would like.
I don't even know for sure if they are really getting together or together yet or if they will ever even take off as a couple or if they are already naming babies. I could be obsessing for nothing. But my instincts tell me its happenning. My gut says that maybe he has been preparing for this for months, for her. That is why it hurts. It is this sick knowing in the pit of my stomache.
So, about to sleep and I have allowed another beautiful day to be stolen from my precious, short life.
And these are the lyrics that ring in my ears:
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
posted by KJ Konkin at 10:21 PM
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