HTSNBN
I feel like shit today. Nauseous, unsettled, angry, sad, my body in knots.
I will myself to not care about He That Shall Not Be Named (HTSNBN). It was actually quite funny today, as I walked down the street, I tried to Tony Robbins myself into not caring. "OK GIRL," I said to myself in my head, "YOU CAN DO THIS. JUST CHOOSE TO LET IT GO COMPLETELY. GO BACK TO THE FALL OF 2004 BEFORE HTSNBN AND EMBRACE THAT PLACE YOU WERE IN - INDEPENDENT, HAPPY, CONTENT TO BE SINGLE. NOW, LIFT YOUR HEAD HIGH AND LOVE TODAY!!!!!!!!" And for a moment this motivational self-talk works and you see me get about 2 inches taller and I notice that it is sunny and the ache in my gut subsides and I think "It's working....".
Then, I realize what the consequences are of my rage, I picture Them together, I see all the moments of terrifying loneliness lining up before me and down I shrink and back comes my stomache ache. I know that walking around inside of my life this upset and angry and sad and jealous and scared will only put me in the prision. It won't affect HTSNBN or Sarah.
That is her name. Sarah. She has a website. She is a female version of him. Yes, I know it is self-torture to go to The One He Wants to Replace Me With's (TOHWTRMW) website and look at a gazillion pictures of her and read her blog until you start to dry heave. But it is Day One and I am not dealing well. I promise to not do it everyday. Much.
I just reread what I have written and I am sounding a bit too much like my brother's Ex. Sometimes it sucks to be conscious of your own craziness. Sometimes I wish I could just be blindfully blameful for more than one or two days and be the kind of person who secretly gets TOHWTRMW fired from her job or plants false evidence in HTSNBN's path so that he begins to question her credibility and ends up alone. Like the soap operas or Melrose Place or something. But once I have flown into a rage and cursed the world for a little while, I just end up sitting like a lump reconciled with the fact that if he would rather be with TOHWTRMW and she makes him happy, then why fight it? He only ever liked eating cookie dough with me. You can't build a future on cookie dough.
Off to Pender tonight. Thank God. I gotta get out of this place. Before I do something I will regret like rigging up a poison or, even worse, beg HTSNBN to forgive me and find time to squeeze me in every 7 weeks or so for an obligatory coffee where we would sit and talk about TOHWTRMW and how happy they are. I am blessed to have Pender.
How can I miss someone who is so hurtful?
I will myself to not care about He That Shall Not Be Named (HTSNBN). It was actually quite funny today, as I walked down the street, I tried to Tony Robbins myself into not caring. "OK GIRL," I said to myself in my head, "YOU CAN DO THIS. JUST CHOOSE TO LET IT GO COMPLETELY. GO BACK TO THE FALL OF 2004 BEFORE HTSNBN AND EMBRACE THAT PLACE YOU WERE IN - INDEPENDENT, HAPPY, CONTENT TO BE SINGLE. NOW, LIFT YOUR HEAD HIGH AND LOVE TODAY!!!!!!!!" And for a moment this motivational self-talk works and you see me get about 2 inches taller and I notice that it is sunny and the ache in my gut subsides and I think "It's working....".
Then, I realize what the consequences are of my rage, I picture Them together, I see all the moments of terrifying loneliness lining up before me and down I shrink and back comes my stomache ache. I know that walking around inside of my life this upset and angry and sad and jealous and scared will only put me in the prision. It won't affect HTSNBN or Sarah.
That is her name. Sarah. She has a website. She is a female version of him. Yes, I know it is self-torture to go to The One He Wants to Replace Me With's (TOHWTRMW) website and look at a gazillion pictures of her and read her blog until you start to dry heave. But it is Day One and I am not dealing well. I promise to not do it everyday. Much.
I just reread what I have written and I am sounding a bit too much like my brother's Ex. Sometimes it sucks to be conscious of your own craziness. Sometimes I wish I could just be blindfully blameful for more than one or two days and be the kind of person who secretly gets TOHWTRMW fired from her job or plants false evidence in HTSNBN's path so that he begins to question her credibility and ends up alone. Like the soap operas or Melrose Place or something. But once I have flown into a rage and cursed the world for a little while, I just end up sitting like a lump reconciled with the fact that if he would rather be with TOHWTRMW and she makes him happy, then why fight it? He only ever liked eating cookie dough with me. You can't build a future on cookie dough.
Off to Pender tonight. Thank God. I gotta get out of this place. Before I do something I will regret like rigging up a poison or, even worse, beg HTSNBN to forgive me and find time to squeeze me in every 7 weeks or so for an obligatory coffee where we would sit and talk about TOHWTRMW and how happy they are. I am blessed to have Pender.
How can I miss someone who is so hurtful?
posted by KJ Konkin at 1:25 PM
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