Sleepless In Vancouver
I haven't slept much at all for six nights in a row now.
I am becoming loopy with tiredness.
I feel like I am clinging to a doorknob as a proverbial door tries to shut. I am using all my strength to keep it from shutting and still it slips inch by inch. In this metaphor crowds of people are watching this, throwing stones at me and beating me and doing all they can to rip my grip from that doorknob. I am slowly becoming a bruised, battered, exhausted pile of flesh and still I cling with every last molecule of will in my body. It feels as if I might die if that door closes. I am not ready to let go.
I miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I know that I said that I hate him. But under the hate is love and under the love is pain and under the pain, I just miss him.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
As for yesterday, Seattle was a blast. It was amazing to be in a room filled with over a thousand people who share my same spiritual philosophy. It was amazing to be somewhere I didn't need a turtleneck when I burst into tears. In that two hours I was filled with a joy that was bigger than all this crap going on in my life and I was lifted. Truly. I was even filled with an overwhelming urge to Let Go of this crap. But later that day, driving back to Canada, I knew the doorknob was still there in my tight little fist.
Picture of Jen and I in the car, driving at about 7am -- not bad lookers for having gotten up before 6am...
The question I ask myself this morning is this: what would happen in my ideal situation? (Ok, other than HTSNBN showing at my door and having complete and total Knowing about Us and choosing Me forever.) Would it be better if we could still talk to each other in a polite and tidy way? Do I wish that things were still like they were in April? The way they were in November? That is where I am stuck, I guess. All the options seem to end up leaving me sad, sad, sad and the first option may only ever exist in my dreams.
So, I cling to my friends and my work schedule gets busier and busier. I become a part of Windflower - Pat's band at Pender - and we already have about 4 or 5 gigs. I will still go to the MM Meeting as I doubt he will be there and give of my service and attend the Centre and dance when I get a chance. Perhaps I will even start a creative project here in Vancouver and I have a bunch of visitors coming throughout summer. I could start dating, but the guy might wonder why I am clutching a doorknob the whole time we are out. Past that, I just wait and hurt and wait and hurt...and hope and cry and wait...and miss him...
And wish that I did not.
I am becoming loopy with tiredness.
I feel like I am clinging to a doorknob as a proverbial door tries to shut. I am using all my strength to keep it from shutting and still it slips inch by inch. In this metaphor crowds of people are watching this, throwing stones at me and beating me and doing all they can to rip my grip from that doorknob. I am slowly becoming a bruised, battered, exhausted pile of flesh and still I cling with every last molecule of will in my body. It feels as if I might die if that door closes. I am not ready to let go.
I miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I know that I said that I hate him. But under the hate is love and under the love is pain and under the pain, I just miss him.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
As for yesterday, Seattle was a blast. It was amazing to be in a room filled with over a thousand people who share my same spiritual philosophy. It was amazing to be somewhere I didn't need a turtleneck when I burst into tears. In that two hours I was filled with a joy that was bigger than all this crap going on in my life and I was lifted. Truly. I was even filled with an overwhelming urge to Let Go of this crap. But later that day, driving back to Canada, I knew the doorknob was still there in my tight little fist.
Picture of Jen and I in the car, driving at about 7am -- not bad lookers for having gotten up before 6am...
The question I ask myself this morning is this: what would happen in my ideal situation? (Ok, other than HTSNBN showing at my door and having complete and total Knowing about Us and choosing Me forever.) Would it be better if we could still talk to each other in a polite and tidy way? Do I wish that things were still like they were in April? The way they were in November? That is where I am stuck, I guess. All the options seem to end up leaving me sad, sad, sad and the first option may only ever exist in my dreams.
So, I cling to my friends and my work schedule gets busier and busier. I become a part of Windflower - Pat's band at Pender - and we already have about 4 or 5 gigs. I will still go to the MM Meeting as I doubt he will be there and give of my service and attend the Centre and dance when I get a chance. Perhaps I will even start a creative project here in Vancouver and I have a bunch of visitors coming throughout summer. I could start dating, but the guy might wonder why I am clutching a doorknob the whole time we are out. Past that, I just wait and hurt and wait and hurt...and hope and cry and wait...and miss him...
And wish that I did not.
posted by KJ Konkin at 6:56 PM
1 Comments:
A band, eh? Good for you! I wonder if they've got you playing keyboards, maybe. Vocals, of course.
Maybe this'll add to the heat of the fire lit under me to get this kinda creative outlet into MY life.
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