If You Had One More Day To Live
Tonight I walked through this island with a thousand voices racing in my head and in the silent gaps I whispered hello to the trees and laid down in tall grasses and stared at the sky. Tonight, these voices were different, albeit the original ones were still there muttering 'he never loved you, he was never passionate about you, you are not special enough to be passionate about and you will never again find magical love so give up'. Those old voices grumbled and my stomache tightened around the suspicion that what they spoke was true, but there was this other melodic voice and It said something different.
It asked me 'what would Love do? what would Love say?' and then It answered itself 'I'm sorry, I miss you, I 'm sorry, I love you' and like a chant I walked down the island roads to Its rhythm and onto a path that led me nowhere, somewhere. I heard It ask me 'what if he was taken from this world tomorrow? what would you regret not saying? what would you stand beside his coffin and wish you could tell him? what do you need to say?' And again there was simply 'I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry'.
At some point down this path I found myself standing on this rickety old dock staring at a marsh and the sun was so low, but still it caught the water and it was beautiful. I squeezed my eyes together tightly to stop myself from crying. Then, the muttering voices caught me off guard. They warned 'you can't say anything to him. he has found someone else now. he doesn't care about you. you told him to get out of your life. he won't forgive you. he probably isn't even thinking about you at all. he will laugh at you and tell to leave him alone. he won't trust you. you aren't trustworthy. it's hopeless.'
But I opened my eyes and in spite of their muttering watched the sun set completely and then kept on walking. With every step back home to my cabin the muttering slowed and I heard what I knew was Truth speak again. 'you must feel what you feel proudly. you must tell him what you feel always. you must not die with your music still inside of you.'
I could feel what was coming next and more tears rose and the night enveloped me. Softly the Voice added '...and then, krista, you must set him free. you must tell him with your whole heart knowing that he may not say anything back, knowing that he might not feel that same way, knowing that he might scold you, scoff at you, reject you yet again. you must because it is Who You Are and he must know It and It mustn't be about getting results or getting him back or getting anything at all. you must tell him you are sorry and that you miss him. you must tell him that you have loved him more deeply and more completely than you have ever loved before and that you still do and that you always will. then, krista, you must turn and walk away. you must love him while letting him go. are you ready?'
Back in my cabin and in front of my computer, that walk seems like a dream and I am afraid. I am not sure if I am ready.
But I tonight I became clearer on what it is I have to do.
It asked me 'what would Love do? what would Love say?' and then It answered itself 'I'm sorry, I miss you, I 'm sorry, I love you' and like a chant I walked down the island roads to Its rhythm and onto a path that led me nowhere, somewhere. I heard It ask me 'what if he was taken from this world tomorrow? what would you regret not saying? what would you stand beside his coffin and wish you could tell him? what do you need to say?' And again there was simply 'I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry'.
At some point down this path I found myself standing on this rickety old dock staring at a marsh and the sun was so low, but still it caught the water and it was beautiful. I squeezed my eyes together tightly to stop myself from crying. Then, the muttering voices caught me off guard. They warned 'you can't say anything to him. he has found someone else now. he doesn't care about you. you told him to get out of your life. he won't forgive you. he probably isn't even thinking about you at all. he will laugh at you and tell to leave him alone. he won't trust you. you aren't trustworthy. it's hopeless.'
But I opened my eyes and in spite of their muttering watched the sun set completely and then kept on walking. With every step back home to my cabin the muttering slowed and I heard what I knew was Truth speak again. 'you must feel what you feel proudly. you must tell him what you feel always. you must not die with your music still inside of you.'
I could feel what was coming next and more tears rose and the night enveloped me. Softly the Voice added '...and then, krista, you must set him free. you must tell him with your whole heart knowing that he may not say anything back, knowing that he might not feel that same way, knowing that he might scold you, scoff at you, reject you yet again. you must because it is Who You Are and he must know It and It mustn't be about getting results or getting him back or getting anything at all. you must tell him you are sorry and that you miss him. you must tell him that you have loved him more deeply and more completely than you have ever loved before and that you still do and that you always will. then, krista, you must turn and walk away. you must love him while letting him go. are you ready?'
Back in my cabin and in front of my computer, that walk seems like a dream and I am afraid. I am not sure if I am ready.
But I tonight I became clearer on what it is I have to do.
posted by KJ Konkin at 11:53 PM
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