The Beautiful Men I Call My Past

Won't dwell on this again, but to check in honestly, I am not doing very well today. Feel propelled to apologize to Jordan, to contact him. Afraid of getting rejected or laughed at or ignored. Don't want to disrespect the space that we both need to move on. Miss him. Want to find a peaceful resolution. Want him in my life in some way, even if it is very small. Not sure he wants to ever talk to me again. Terrified to find out. Terrified to watch him evaporate entirely from my life. Scared all the time. Not eating. Not sleeping. Still getting bitten by bugs. Pain. Exhaustion. Feel like I am mourning a death.

But something interesting and beautiful has occurred in the past week. I have spoken to both Aidan and Dean. Two of my greatest loves, my most signifigant Ex's. Both conversations were kind, caring, loving even. Both of them were so supportive of me and what I am going through and, even though I hurt both of them badly, were sad to hear how sad I am. That boggles my mind. I always tell the 'story' about how my Ex's think I am the devil. But it isn't true. They still love me. They have always loved me. They want me to be happy. Years later, these men are still some of the most compassionate, wonderful human beings that I know! How is this possible? Will I one day be able to have this with Jo? How much time must past? Do I still have the magical ability to manifest amazing men? I am ready now for the love and commitment that Aidan and Dean offerred back then...and that Jordan is not ready for yet. Timing. Will I meet someone who will be ready now that I am? Could I have used up all my chances?

Watched Oprah today and something was said about breakups that I found stuck. Once two people have broken up their work is not done. There is still mending and healing work that can and should be done together. Maybe this is what I am going through right now with Jo...the ups and downs of the post-breakup work that a conscious relationship requires.

Back to Pender tomorrow. Thank God. It is a graceful blessing to have somewhere to go that is so healing. Please, everyone reading this, send me your love energy. I am stumbling greatly and need all the help and support I can get. Hard to ask for help. Harder to be alone in this pain.

A quote from an affirmation I read yesterday:
"I let go of that part of myself that is certain it is better to suffer and feel like someone than it is to just let go and quietly be no one."

Not even sure how I feel about that quote. Not sure I am ready to be no one. Not sure I can keep enduring all this sufferring.

The Truth is I am sure. Somewhere on some level. It will all unfold before me sooner or later. I must Hold On.

Thank you Aidan and thank you Dean. Thank you for loving me so much then and for still sending me such love even Now. If only I could have met you at a time when I knew myself, knew what I had. You were both amazing partners and are never far from my heart, no matter how much time passes, no matter who I currently call my partner. We were the lucky ones.

I said I would love you forever and I do. I love you...both of you...all of you...

...including Jordan...

for the love changes forms and sometimes wears clothes that look like anger or jealousy or hate or shame...but underneath All Of It there is the Love and it is constant and for reminding me of that this week I am forever grateful.