Everybody Leaves...
So why shouldn't I?
The breakup book I am reading has advised me in no uncertain terms that as long as I live in the same city as Jo, I will always harbour a little bit of hope that at some point he will come around. It embarasses me to be this honest, but that sentence rings true. Part of me wondered if he might leave Canada after we split, but it looks like he is staying, which makes sense. He isn't having trouble moving on with his fabulous new life, I am. So, perhaps It will need to be me that leaves. Like the books says, even If I moved away and the day came when he realized he had screwed up and that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life (which we all know ain't gonna happen) he would want it badly enough to come and get me back from where ever I ended up. Otherwise, in the more realistic scenerio, I will move and slowly we will fade from each other's minds and I can get on living my own fabulous life filled with something other than missing Jordan Hart Good Lewin.
Question is...where would I go?
Well, back to Saskatchewan seems to be my first instinct. Moose Jaw at first to recenter and then Regina to hang with Leanne maybe get my Education Degree from U of R or Saskatoon where I could work for Monica or attend this school they have called the New Media Campus and study design/development.
Part of me also sorta fantasizes about doing a cruise ship contract for six months to a year. That would mean I would have to get hired first and god knows I haven't been honing my auditioning skills so who knows if I would be cast. But I am singing stronger than I ever have and I think, for the first real time in my life, I am ready to sail off into the ocean blue. The timing would be stellar...performing again after a two year break, making the money I need to get myself out of the debt that this past year's unemployment got me into, some travel and adventure, lots of hot men to help me lick my wounds and distance. If I could get cast, I would go - this I know. So perhaps I should at least try...
Halifax. That also has wandered through my brain, for no other reason than I have never experienced the Maritimes and my one visit to the city was impressive. Not sure what I would do there, but that has never stopped me before.
I have looked into doing a whole organic farming thing in Hawaii. Seems like a good place to go and heal, get a tan and maybe do something that kinda gives back...but I might need to be more of a go with the flow kind of person to follow up on this as much of the 'work' that you get on these organic communes is very fly by the seat of your pants in terms of organization. Also, there is the whole part of the actual hard labour I would have to put in, which I don't mind if it unskilled, but what do I know about farming? (Shush to any of you who just thought of about 50 Saskatchewan jokes to tell...)
The real obvious one is moving permanently here to Pender. Sounds like there are possibilities that Ptarmigan might be able to find money to hire me as their full time Program Coordinator and if that happened I would kinda need to live here. I am open to it as I have always wanted to live on a BC Island and it is so beautiful, so serene, so many trees and birds and the ocean at my front door...but I don't know If, for the purposes of breaking my addiction, it is far enough away. In fact, being here often inspires fantasies about me and him and a cottage by the ocean and kayaking and babies and a garden and a life so miraculous that it makes me nauseous to think that he has thrown it away. Still, it is a very real option connected to a pretty great potential job.
I dunno and I don't need to know right now. This isn't the first time I have blogged about moving and the feeling gets stronger and stronger. To have the book describe me so perfectly and then assure me the only way out of my heartbroken mess is to move just adds to an already growing list of reasons to go. It will unfold as it will. Living in the Now, I am going to take a walk to the farmers market and then go to my sound check and, tonight, entertain like I have been doing since I was four years old.
Today, at least, I'm not going anywhere.
The breakup book I am reading has advised me in no uncertain terms that as long as I live in the same city as Jo, I will always harbour a little bit of hope that at some point he will come around. It embarasses me to be this honest, but that sentence rings true. Part of me wondered if he might leave Canada after we split, but it looks like he is staying, which makes sense. He isn't having trouble moving on with his fabulous new life, I am. So, perhaps It will need to be me that leaves. Like the books says, even If I moved away and the day came when he realized he had screwed up and that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life (which we all know ain't gonna happen) he would want it badly enough to come and get me back from where ever I ended up. Otherwise, in the more realistic scenerio, I will move and slowly we will fade from each other's minds and I can get on living my own fabulous life filled with something other than missing Jordan Hart Good Lewin.
Question is...where would I go?
Well, back to Saskatchewan seems to be my first instinct. Moose Jaw at first to recenter and then Regina to hang with Leanne maybe get my Education Degree from U of R or Saskatoon where I could work for Monica or attend this school they have called the New Media Campus and study design/development.
Part of me also sorta fantasizes about doing a cruise ship contract for six months to a year. That would mean I would have to get hired first and god knows I haven't been honing my auditioning skills so who knows if I would be cast. But I am singing stronger than I ever have and I think, for the first real time in my life, I am ready to sail off into the ocean blue. The timing would be stellar...performing again after a two year break, making the money I need to get myself out of the debt that this past year's unemployment got me into, some travel and adventure, lots of hot men to help me lick my wounds and distance. If I could get cast, I would go - this I know. So perhaps I should at least try...
Halifax. That also has wandered through my brain, for no other reason than I have never experienced the Maritimes and my one visit to the city was impressive. Not sure what I would do there, but that has never stopped me before.
I have looked into doing a whole organic farming thing in Hawaii. Seems like a good place to go and heal, get a tan and maybe do something that kinda gives back...but I might need to be more of a go with the flow kind of person to follow up on this as much of the 'work' that you get on these organic communes is very fly by the seat of your pants in terms of organization. Also, there is the whole part of the actual hard labour I would have to put in, which I don't mind if it unskilled, but what do I know about farming? (Shush to any of you who just thought of about 50 Saskatchewan jokes to tell...)
The real obvious one is moving permanently here to Pender. Sounds like there are possibilities that Ptarmigan might be able to find money to hire me as their full time Program Coordinator and if that happened I would kinda need to live here. I am open to it as I have always wanted to live on a BC Island and it is so beautiful, so serene, so many trees and birds and the ocean at my front door...but I don't know If, for the purposes of breaking my addiction, it is far enough away. In fact, being here often inspires fantasies about me and him and a cottage by the ocean and kayaking and babies and a garden and a life so miraculous that it makes me nauseous to think that he has thrown it away. Still, it is a very real option connected to a pretty great potential job.
I dunno and I don't need to know right now. This isn't the first time I have blogged about moving and the feeling gets stronger and stronger. To have the book describe me so perfectly and then assure me the only way out of my heartbroken mess is to move just adds to an already growing list of reasons to go. It will unfold as it will. Living in the Now, I am going to take a walk to the farmers market and then go to my sound check and, tonight, entertain like I have been doing since I was four years old.
Today, at least, I'm not going anywhere.
posted by KJ Konkin at 11:00 AM
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