The Shadow Side and Second Chances
I could seriously blog about 104 different things. I have had a full week and an even fuller weekend, so many moments of happiness, so many moments of sheer frustration, so many moments of everything. I left Pender last night on a note of anger. Today I am numb. A lot is happening and many of my buttons are being pushed...by friends, by co-workers, by my job and, of course, by my heartbreak.
Here is a penny that dropped this weekend as I was faced with my grumpiness...
I have been really good at making this breakup paint me as the one who did nothing but love Jordan. We have both focused on the final roles that were played out which were Krista as the one in love, the one ready to stay forever, the one who was clear and confidant about the relationship and Jordan as the confused, hurtful monster who has pushed and pulled me at his will until finally walking out of our home and, ultimately, into another woman's arms. I have clung to these roles and these stories. But this weekend I started remembering the other stuff.
I wasn't always a very good partner. In the beginning, I was hot and cold in terms of my interest in being in the relationship. I frekaed out about how different we were and would create mountains out of mole hills over something minor, like us wanting to eat different food. I had massive jealousy melt downs that were purely my own bullshit, but that he patiently and lovingly took in stride. Our trip to Colorado last year was frought with tension as I freaked out about how much time he spent on the computer and not with me. Hmmmm...I was needy of his time and his attention. Perhaps it was because of an underlying feeling that he didn't feel the same way about me, but I doubt it. I have been that way plenty of times before with men who were completely dedicated.
What else? Let's see, I was a demanding lover, often making sex very goal oriented instead of allowing it to be beautiful whatever occurred. I made him feel awful when he moved in because of my over the top control of HOW the house needed to look and asked him to give away or pack up or sell much of his stuff. There were nights when he would go out to be with his friends - which he only did every so often - and I would lay in bed and fret...cry...worry...seethe - wondering why he wasn't coming hom and wondering what it was that he could be doing. I have to be honest and say that I have shamed him on occasion when I have found out that he did something in his past that I judged as unacceptable. Every night, he would attempt to cuddle with me, which I would only reciprocate on occasion using excuses to keep my distance. On top of all that, I struggled the whole relationship with loving myself through the unemployment/Finding Me journey/money struggles and could become a big, negative black hole in the house.
Now, don't get me wrong, I know there was a lot of positive stuff that I did and brought to our partnership, but when I look at all of this, it leaves me thinking that maybe I needed this wake up call. In fact, I did need this wake up call. I want another chance to love again, now that I know what I know now.
If given another chance, with Jordan or whoever I would cherish my partner much more than I ever have. I would be cool with spending less time together and if he needed to be on his computer or with his friends or off doing something of his own accord, I would simply rejoice in the fact that at the end of the day I would get to fall alseep beside him in our home. I would be much more accepting of whoever and whatever his past brought to the relationship because, after all, he would be with me, there in the Now, and I would see how vital that is. I would use the time I might have spent trying to get our lives to merge, with being an individual and it would feel good to explore myself knowing I had such an amazing partner/friend/lover to cheer me on and witness my growth. I would make love with less panic, less need to be something for him or make him something for me and, even if our sex lives were frought with challenges, I would breathe in every messy moment with wonder. You might be rolling your eyes as you read this and sum it all up as the words of someone deeply in regret who would go back to her old ways if and when love came again, but I disagree. I have never been left before by a man - besides my father. I have never been rejected or left behind or replaced quite like this...and it is good, because my heart is now saying...next time cherish what you have exactly as it is and celebrate every second and be thankful for the time you are given because you can never know what is going to happen and your arrogance will drop away when you stop taking these kinds of partners for granted.
Strange, perhaps, for the one dumped to feel like she took the partnership for granted, but I think I did. If this pain is not for learning, then what for?
For those of you having relationship issues....congratulations! You have someone to have issues with...what a wonderful thing.
Hold me to this, k? When --- and I can't wait for the day! --- the time arrives when I can again be holding my best friend, my biggest teacher and my laughing partner in my arms, hold me to this blog if you see me forgetting. If I look like I am sulking, remind me of the gift I have in my life. Not that I will stop having a rainbow or emotions and days with different color, but may I never again allow that to dampen the sweetness of that someone who feels like home.
I am ready Now. Ready to Love at a depth that I have never had before.
Bring it on.
Here is a penny that dropped this weekend as I was faced with my grumpiness...
I have been really good at making this breakup paint me as the one who did nothing but love Jordan. We have both focused on the final roles that were played out which were Krista as the one in love, the one ready to stay forever, the one who was clear and confidant about the relationship and Jordan as the confused, hurtful monster who has pushed and pulled me at his will until finally walking out of our home and, ultimately, into another woman's arms. I have clung to these roles and these stories. But this weekend I started remembering the other stuff.
I wasn't always a very good partner. In the beginning, I was hot and cold in terms of my interest in being in the relationship. I frekaed out about how different we were and would create mountains out of mole hills over something minor, like us wanting to eat different food. I had massive jealousy melt downs that were purely my own bullshit, but that he patiently and lovingly took in stride. Our trip to Colorado last year was frought with tension as I freaked out about how much time he spent on the computer and not with me. Hmmmm...I was needy of his time and his attention. Perhaps it was because of an underlying feeling that he didn't feel the same way about me, but I doubt it. I have been that way plenty of times before with men who were completely dedicated.
What else? Let's see, I was a demanding lover, often making sex very goal oriented instead of allowing it to be beautiful whatever occurred. I made him feel awful when he moved in because of my over the top control of HOW the house needed to look and asked him to give away or pack up or sell much of his stuff. There were nights when he would go out to be with his friends - which he only did every so often - and I would lay in bed and fret...cry...worry...seethe - wondering why he wasn't coming hom and wondering what it was that he could be doing. I have to be honest and say that I have shamed him on occasion when I have found out that he did something in his past that I judged as unacceptable. Every night, he would attempt to cuddle with me, which I would only reciprocate on occasion using excuses to keep my distance. On top of all that, I struggled the whole relationship with loving myself through the unemployment/Finding Me journey/money struggles and could become a big, negative black hole in the house.
Now, don't get me wrong, I know there was a lot of positive stuff that I did and brought to our partnership, but when I look at all of this, it leaves me thinking that maybe I needed this wake up call. In fact, I did need this wake up call. I want another chance to love again, now that I know what I know now.
If given another chance, with Jordan or whoever I would cherish my partner much more than I ever have. I would be cool with spending less time together and if he needed to be on his computer or with his friends or off doing something of his own accord, I would simply rejoice in the fact that at the end of the day I would get to fall alseep beside him in our home. I would be much more accepting of whoever and whatever his past brought to the relationship because, after all, he would be with me, there in the Now, and I would see how vital that is. I would use the time I might have spent trying to get our lives to merge, with being an individual and it would feel good to explore myself knowing I had such an amazing partner/friend/lover to cheer me on and witness my growth. I would make love with less panic, less need to be something for him or make him something for me and, even if our sex lives were frought with challenges, I would breathe in every messy moment with wonder. You might be rolling your eyes as you read this and sum it all up as the words of someone deeply in regret who would go back to her old ways if and when love came again, but I disagree. I have never been left before by a man - besides my father. I have never been rejected or left behind or replaced quite like this...and it is good, because my heart is now saying...next time cherish what you have exactly as it is and celebrate every second and be thankful for the time you are given because you can never know what is going to happen and your arrogance will drop away when you stop taking these kinds of partners for granted.
Strange, perhaps, for the one dumped to feel like she took the partnership for granted, but I think I did. If this pain is not for learning, then what for?
For those of you having relationship issues....congratulations! You have someone to have issues with...what a wonderful thing.
Hold me to this, k? When --- and I can't wait for the day! --- the time arrives when I can again be holding my best friend, my biggest teacher and my laughing partner in my arms, hold me to this blog if you see me forgetting. If I look like I am sulking, remind me of the gift I have in my life. Not that I will stop having a rainbow or emotions and days with different color, but may I never again allow that to dampen the sweetness of that someone who feels like home.
I am ready Now. Ready to Love at a depth that I have never had before.
Bring it on.
posted by KJ Konkin at 3:49 PM
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