A MishMash of Emotion
You will have to forgive me if this blog ends up being a stream of consciousness, unconnected dots scattered in paragraph form, thoughts and feelings from a heart and mind that seem to be as erratic as is this journey to healing...
Happiness = Seattle with Eric, filled with shopping and talking non-stop about relationsihps and eating awesome food (oh glorious the days when I have an appetite). We ended up dancing at Camp Jitterbug, a lindy exchange of sorts, jammed into a room packed with the nation's very best dancers. My ass was kicked -- I have never danced that hard in my life with that many good leads. It was an orgy of great dance after great dance after great dance. By the time we left, I was humbled, exhausted and happy. Had to get naked in the parking lot and change clothes as the ones I went in with were sopping. Good day.
Saddness = Looking up at the Space Needle in Seattle and remembering Our 1 year anniversary. Still confused how he has let it all go, how it is that he has replaced me so quickly, how I could have believed that I meant so much more than I obviously did...painful painful thoughts.
Joy = Rehearsing with Windflower...prepping for our gig on the 10th, singing my heart out supported by these amazing musicians and kept afloat by how much they love to play music. Existing on a planet out there on Pender where my talents are respected and revered and my light gets to shine bright, bright, bright. When we are in the middle of a set, my breathe comes easier and I believe once again that I am going to be better than okay...I am going to come out of all of this stronger than before.
Quote = When your heart seems broken, remember that is posssibly only cracked open in order to recieve even more love.
Frustration = Whatever is biting me is now biting everyone else in the building. I don't know what to do! Last night, and you gotta picture this, I went to bed with long pants tucked into my socks and a long sleeved shirt tucked into gloves. I know, the image is so sexy you're having a hard time containing yourself. I am going to a doctor again on Tuesday to see if I can get another opinion...something. I dunno. It is driving me from my apartment.
Inspiration = Come fall my heart is calling me to get outta here. I stayed in the face of this breakup and I have tried...but I long for adventure, to meet new people, for new love, for places and faces that don't remind me of Jordan. I am looking at schools outside of BC, of jobs that would take me away for 6 months to year, to travelling that would give me something to look forward to...this summer might change things, but so far, I have not 'gotten okay' with being so close and yet so far from the man that I still, unfortunately, love. Am conjuring, like a magician, many possibilities...
Addiction = Thought I might see Jo again this weekend at dancing or the Centre or a MM meeting, but never happened. Wild how disappointed I am and how relieved...all at the same time. I want to be near him and I dread it -- it really does feel like an addiction that I am trying to break out of...wanting something that is so hurtful to you, desiring something despite the risks...is this the co-dependency thing that Jo always talked about? Was I more addicted to him than in love with him?
Relativity = Just heard about a friend's co-worker who's son was stabbed to death this weekend. Remembered how blessed I am and how thankful that most everything else in my life is beautiful and safe and loving and good.
Questioning = I am always cold. Always. I can't seem to get warmed up. What is that all about?
Manifesting = more RAM, an iPod, a digital camera/video camera, straight teeth, perfect eyesight, the rest of the Season 3 episodes of One Tree Hill, a piano, a bugless apartment, more graphic/web design/development tutoring, front tire hubcaps, a visit with Sean/Emma/Alex, a payed off credit card, a gym membership, an alternative to gasoline, a bike ride around Stanley Park, hot hot hot summer weather, adventure and someone wonderful to share it all with until the day I die, amen.
Ok, that AND a terrific non-solo orgasm.
Til then, I will settle for some lunch.
Happiness = Seattle with Eric, filled with shopping and talking non-stop about relationsihps and eating awesome food (oh glorious the days when I have an appetite). We ended up dancing at Camp Jitterbug, a lindy exchange of sorts, jammed into a room packed with the nation's very best dancers. My ass was kicked -- I have never danced that hard in my life with that many good leads. It was an orgy of great dance after great dance after great dance. By the time we left, I was humbled, exhausted and happy. Had to get naked in the parking lot and change clothes as the ones I went in with were sopping. Good day.
Saddness = Looking up at the Space Needle in Seattle and remembering Our 1 year anniversary. Still confused how he has let it all go, how it is that he has replaced me so quickly, how I could have believed that I meant so much more than I obviously did...painful painful thoughts.
Joy = Rehearsing with Windflower...prepping for our gig on the 10th, singing my heart out supported by these amazing musicians and kept afloat by how much they love to play music. Existing on a planet out there on Pender where my talents are respected and revered and my light gets to shine bright, bright, bright. When we are in the middle of a set, my breathe comes easier and I believe once again that I am going to be better than okay...I am going to come out of all of this stronger than before.
Quote = When your heart seems broken, remember that is posssibly only cracked open in order to recieve even more love.
Frustration = Whatever is biting me is now biting everyone else in the building. I don't know what to do! Last night, and you gotta picture this, I went to bed with long pants tucked into my socks and a long sleeved shirt tucked into gloves. I know, the image is so sexy you're having a hard time containing yourself. I am going to a doctor again on Tuesday to see if I can get another opinion...something. I dunno. It is driving me from my apartment.
Inspiration = Come fall my heart is calling me to get outta here. I stayed in the face of this breakup and I have tried...but I long for adventure, to meet new people, for new love, for places and faces that don't remind me of Jordan. I am looking at schools outside of BC, of jobs that would take me away for 6 months to year, to travelling that would give me something to look forward to...this summer might change things, but so far, I have not 'gotten okay' with being so close and yet so far from the man that I still, unfortunately, love. Am conjuring, like a magician, many possibilities...
Addiction = Thought I might see Jo again this weekend at dancing or the Centre or a MM meeting, but never happened. Wild how disappointed I am and how relieved...all at the same time. I want to be near him and I dread it -- it really does feel like an addiction that I am trying to break out of...wanting something that is so hurtful to you, desiring something despite the risks...is this the co-dependency thing that Jo always talked about? Was I more addicted to him than in love with him?
Relativity = Just heard about a friend's co-worker who's son was stabbed to death this weekend. Remembered how blessed I am and how thankful that most everything else in my life is beautiful and safe and loving and good.
Questioning = I am always cold. Always. I can't seem to get warmed up. What is that all about?
Manifesting = more RAM, an iPod, a digital camera/video camera, straight teeth, perfect eyesight, the rest of the Season 3 episodes of One Tree Hill, a piano, a bugless apartment, more graphic/web design/development tutoring, front tire hubcaps, a visit with Sean/Emma/Alex, a payed off credit card, a gym membership, an alternative to gasoline, a bike ride around Stanley Park, hot hot hot summer weather, adventure and someone wonderful to share it all with until the day I die, amen.
Ok, that AND a terrific non-solo orgasm.
Til then, I will settle for some lunch.
posted by KJ Konkin at 2:07 PM
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