What Comes Next
I woke up this morning feeling restless. My long weekend has been excellent, really, full of friends and fun and the Pacific Ocean. But this morning, as I sit here typing, my knee can't stop bouncing up and down, full of excess energy or anxiety or something. I am staring at my knee thinking, what is this? Trying to figure out how I am feeling. I think I am coming down off the high of those prescription antihistamines that that loser doctor gave me for the bites that aren't going away. That, or more sadness and fear is rising to the top this morning and isn't quite sure yet how to escape.
For the first time in a long time, perhaps because I have had this breakup to focus on and deal with, I have thought about what is going to come next after Ptarmigan, after this summer. My mother so wonderfully reminded me that I committed to taking my Real Estate exam at some point. Ug. Part of me is saying 'why take the exam if you have no desire to pursue it as a career?'. The other part of me says 'take it because you said you would, even if you don't pursue it as a career'. Another voice says 'what if you take it and fail it? worse yet, what if you take it, pass it, have nothing else obvious to walk toward and end up getting sucked up into it?'. It is a conflict that I have been enjoyably avoiding. I know how proud my family would be of me, how much money I could make, how good it would feel to have the kinds of freedoms that making good money would bring. I also know how I felt being in the industry before, how your cell phone rings at all hours, how life and death everyone is about these stupid deals, how unhappy most RE salespeople I know actually are despite their money. I dunno. Sigh. Thinking aobut this is making my leg bounce even harder.
Another thought that has bubbled up this long weekend is about taking off somewhere in the fall. Just getting away somehow. I have been through ALOT and I didn't run when I wanted to...I stayed put like everyone challenged me to do, redecorated my apartment, slept with the bugs, let Jordan use my heart until he found a replacement and still stayed to pick up those newly shattered pieces. I think I have done my time. The thought of some kind of new adventure waiting for me in September gives me hope. That, or going back to school somewhere new to study something that actually excited me. Or perhaps all I need is a vacation and not a move seeing that I am still quite taken with Vancouver and with BC. But something. Somewhere. Meet new people. Do new things. Breathe, Krista. Breathe.
I breathe and my leg stops bouncing.
Let it unfold. That is what I want to be able to do. Just be in the Now and let the rest unfold. Just breathe. Let the stuff bubble up. Allow myself to be sad today imaging what a lovely overcast day in bed We could have had together. Face the lonely silence of my refrigerator humming, my heart beating. Sit inside the frustration of these bites, these hives, these things multiplying. Be okay with not knowing my future. Not resist the panic in my bouncing knee that I might be alone forever. Feel. Feel it. Feel it all.
Ouch.
For the first time in a long time, perhaps because I have had this breakup to focus on and deal with, I have thought about what is going to come next after Ptarmigan, after this summer. My mother so wonderfully reminded me that I committed to taking my Real Estate exam at some point. Ug. Part of me is saying 'why take the exam if you have no desire to pursue it as a career?'. The other part of me says 'take it because you said you would, even if you don't pursue it as a career'. Another voice says 'what if you take it and fail it? worse yet, what if you take it, pass it, have nothing else obvious to walk toward and end up getting sucked up into it?'. It is a conflict that I have been enjoyably avoiding. I know how proud my family would be of me, how much money I could make, how good it would feel to have the kinds of freedoms that making good money would bring. I also know how I felt being in the industry before, how your cell phone rings at all hours, how life and death everyone is about these stupid deals, how unhappy most RE salespeople I know actually are despite their money. I dunno. Sigh. Thinking aobut this is making my leg bounce even harder.
Another thought that has bubbled up this long weekend is about taking off somewhere in the fall. Just getting away somehow. I have been through ALOT and I didn't run when I wanted to...I stayed put like everyone challenged me to do, redecorated my apartment, slept with the bugs, let Jordan use my heart until he found a replacement and still stayed to pick up those newly shattered pieces. I think I have done my time. The thought of some kind of new adventure waiting for me in September gives me hope. That, or going back to school somewhere new to study something that actually excited me. Or perhaps all I need is a vacation and not a move seeing that I am still quite taken with Vancouver and with BC. But something. Somewhere. Meet new people. Do new things. Breathe, Krista. Breathe.
I breathe and my leg stops bouncing.
Let it unfold. That is what I want to be able to do. Just be in the Now and let the rest unfold. Just breathe. Let the stuff bubble up. Allow myself to be sad today imaging what a lovely overcast day in bed We could have had together. Face the lonely silence of my refrigerator humming, my heart beating. Sit inside the frustration of these bites, these hives, these things multiplying. Be okay with not knowing my future. Not resist the panic in my bouncing knee that I might be alone forever. Feel. Feel it. Feel it all.
Ouch.
posted by KJ Konkin at 11:16 AM
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