Moving Back To kjkonkin.com

It is my 30th birthday today and I am going to challenge myself to do something...

I am going to start blogging again on my site. I am going to try to take back my site, take back my life, take back this journey...

It may only last a day, but I feel it is something I wanna try.

Other than that, today I am simply just continuing to breathe. Breathe and not panic.

I am 30.

Oh well.

Once again, I live out loud.

For better or for worse.

With Tired Eyes

Came across these words today...

With tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept.

Oh, If I could possibly make anyone understand -- how these words -- are my words -- how these words -- ring true to my core.

There are secrets that I keep, memories that haunt me and they make me old. That living room I stood in, four years old, and that man who should have protected me and, instead, chose to do the exact opposite. My brother reading to me, chair jammed up against the doorknob, his stories attempting to muffle the sounds of screaming and cyring and dishes breaking. A young friend coming to me for help when a man I told her she could trust abused that trust and being too young to know what to do, I did nothing. Torturing that shy girl in grade 4, making her cry, feeling nothing. Breaking his heart...and then his heart and then his heart. Now, it is my heart. Broken. And I am four again except this time I am turning 30 and I am so tired. Tired of feeling like I did the very first time I remember being left by my mother with a new and strange babysitter. Alone. Terrified. Clutching the front door, tiny face pressed to the screen, pleading for her to come come back. I was left. I am left.

And so I sleep. It drags me under like a drug and inside of it I am safe. During the day I do the things I know I must do. I get up, I pee, I gargle, apply some mascara, eat an apple. I make phone calls and puzzle over websites and have meetings and skype with friends. But I long to sleep. Instead, I go for a walk or I read a book or I pray. My prayers are scattered and more pleading than they are affirmative. Help me, I ask Whatever It Is. I hear nothing. With the silence as an answer I resume the doing. I think of Him, my stomache turns, I push away the thoughts, I answer some emails instead. I sing - momentary pleasure, I listen to other people's problems, I blog about my own. But really I just look forward to bedtime. When I get there I climb in and shove as many things in front of me as possible to squeeze away every last second of space where Him and Her might try to live. When I no longer see straight I allow It to wash over me and pull me away from the pain. No more best friend moving across the country to erase her regret. No more wondering what I want to be when I grow up. No more screen doors to frame the back of someone walking away toward something more important. Just sleep. With tired eyes, tired mind, tired soul, I sleep.

To sleep, perchance to dream -

Ay, there's the rub.

Wade in the Water

Last night was magical.

If I have questioned where I belong in this world, then I was reminded last night of one place that has never held any doubt and that is on stage. It just makes sense to me up there. I know how to tell a story and make people laugh and bring them to tears with the rawness that is my bleeding heart. Everyone said it and they are right - I am at home on stage. I am just not at home with giving up the rest of my life to running from contract to contract with no security and complete self-obsession. I pray to Whatever is Out There or Whatever Is In Me to guide me to a place where I can be on stage and know a simple life of love and All That Is Good. Ahhhh, last night was fun.

Speaking of not belonging, I spent the day by the water and watched the worlds of people that belong to the ocean. The working class fishermen who are rough and wind-whipped, wearing slickers and rubber boots and looking like, although they live on water, they hardly bathe. And just down the dock, the yaught owners with their all-over tans, polo shirts and khaki shorts. They, too, walk around the marina like it is their home, just with alot more money. Over to the right of the marina are the kayakers in harmony with the cove, connected completed with the slick surface of the water and to the left the motorized dingy's filled with lake front home owners puttering into town in a manner that seems second nature to them...

All of it fascinates me. I dangled my feet in to a hot spring with a waterfall right over head and watched this world below me go about its business. As a landlocked prairie girl, It is planet I have seldom visited and know next to nothing about. It calls to me and frightens me, but I am not sure it is Who I Am. Or maybe it just has never been Who I Was. I am still manifesting a boat ride this summer and/or a little sailing. If I am going to work beside the ocean and live in a city on the ocean, I want to get to know the ocean a bit better.

Come away, O human child!
to the waters and the wild
with a faery, hand in hand,
for the world's more full of weeping
than you can understand...
- - - W. B. Yeats

Oh, Yeats, I understand...four days before I turn 30, a lost soul here in the wild by the waters and still so heartbroken, I begin to understand...

Everybody Leaves...

So why shouldn't I?

The breakup book I am reading has advised me in no uncertain terms that as long as I live in the same city as Jo, I will always harbour a little bit of hope that at some point he will come around. It embarasses me to be this honest, but that sentence rings true. Part of me wondered if he might leave Canada after we split, but it looks like he is staying, which makes sense. He isn't having trouble moving on with his fabulous new life, I am. So, perhaps It will need to be me that leaves. Like the books says, even If I moved away and the day came when he realized he had screwed up and that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life (which we all know ain't gonna happen) he would want it badly enough to come and get me back from where ever I ended up. Otherwise, in the more realistic scenerio, I will move and slowly we will fade from each other's minds and I can get on living my own fabulous life filled with something other than missing Jordan Hart Good Lewin.

Question is...where would I go?

Well, back to Saskatchewan seems to be my first instinct. Moose Jaw at first to recenter and then Regina to hang with Leanne maybe get my Education Degree from U of R or Saskatoon where I could work for Monica or attend this school they have called the New Media Campus and study design/development.

Part of me also sorta fantasizes about doing a cruise ship contract for six months to a year. That would mean I would have to get hired first and god knows I haven't been honing my auditioning skills so who knows if I would be cast. But I am singing stronger than I ever have and I think, for the first real time in my life, I am ready to sail off into the ocean blue. The timing would be stellar...performing again after a two year break, making the money I need to get myself out of the debt that this past year's unemployment got me into, some travel and adventure, lots of hot men to help me lick my wounds and distance. If I could get cast, I would go - this I know. So perhaps I should at least try...

Halifax. That also has wandered through my brain, for no other reason than I have never experienced the Maritimes and my one visit to the city was impressive. Not sure what I would do there, but that has never stopped me before.

I have looked into doing a whole organic farming thing in Hawaii. Seems like a good place to go and heal, get a tan and maybe do something that kinda gives back...but I might need to be more of a go with the flow kind of person to follow up on this as much of the 'work' that you get on these organic communes is very fly by the seat of your pants in terms of organization. Also, there is the whole part of the actual hard labour I would have to put in, which I don't mind if it unskilled, but what do I know about farming? (Shush to any of you who just thought of about 50 Saskatchewan jokes to tell...)

The real obvious one is moving permanently here to Pender. Sounds like there are possibilities that Ptarmigan might be able to find money to hire me as their full time Program Coordinator and if that happened I would kinda need to live here. I am open to it as I have always wanted to live on a BC Island and it is so beautiful, so serene, so many trees and birds and the ocean at my front door...but I don't know If, for the purposes of breaking my addiction, it is far enough away. In fact, being here often inspires fantasies about me and him and a cottage by the ocean and kayaking and babies and a garden and a life so miraculous that it makes me nauseous to think that he has thrown it away. Still, it is a very real option connected to a pretty great potential job.

I dunno and I don't need to know right now. This isn't the first time I have blogged about moving and the feeling gets stronger and stronger. To have the book describe me so perfectly and then assure me the only way out of my heartbroken mess is to move just adds to an already growing list of reasons to go. It will unfold as it will. Living in the Now, I am going to take a walk to the farmers market and then go to my sound check and, tonight, entertain like I have been doing since I was four years old.

Today, at least, I'm not going anywhere.

In The Black

Sometimes I could swear I was manic depressive...my mood swings are so high and so low...and you poor readers get the brunt of it because, depending on where I am at when I open up this laptop to blog, you get lambasted with my massive heart on my even bigger sleeve.

Well, tonight, in this moment, I am feeling good and so I am going to go with it, for your sake. Plenty of scrumptious morsels stick out to me in this moment of smiles...let's see...there is the simple things like the hot shower I just took scrubbing myself with my new Body Scrub. It is a hoot to be sitting here in my bed smelling like a big ol' sugary fig and it reminds me of us girlz going shopping on Tuesday which was lots of fun. Another simple thing that I have loved since I was a little girl...the sound of the rain on the window. Sure, I could bitch because it is June and it is raining, but I love the sound, especially when I am snuggled up all cozy.

Then there are the bigger things like my accomplishments at work today. I attacked once again the website and learned all sorts of yummy things. Glen's help on Tuesday was priceless and gentle and reminded me just how much I miss staying up until the wee small hours hunched over a laptop while some fabulous man teaches me...thanks, Glen. Tonight, though, I was one my own and I replaced images by updating Photoshop docs and reslicing them accurately and creating all new pages from scratch...it is so rewarding. I stayed at the office until 11pm with pleasure. There is so much to learn and I can't get enough. I have even created this imaginary jordan friend who helps me out with the problem solving. He looks like Jo and talks like Jo and we laugh together like Jo and I might have back in the day and he nudges me in the right direction when I am faced with a website riddle. Imaginary Jo still loves me and hangs out with me and guides me and never talks about just wanting to be friends. I LOVE IMAGINARY JO and I thank him, too, for being my ghost instructor.

Oh, and this book I am reading...while we are on the subject of my obsessive disability to let go of my relationship...needs to be noted. Written by the same authors as "He's Just Not That Into You", this book entitled, "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken - The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy" is utterly fantastic. I have only ready the first 30 pages or so, but I have burst into tears about four times already and into laughter about eighteen. It is like the authors have been watching all the pathetic things that I have been doing and are decribing them in detail...I am searching for quotes to type here from the book, but really, I would have to basically retype the book from start to finish. Oh, here's a quick one: "Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit." Yup, lovin' this book.

Also, lovin' these awesome emails that keep comin' at me from the men in my life. Today's was from a man that I have actually never met in person, but maybe because we have so many mutual friends, we feel like we know each other. Plus, we have talked alot via email and chat...anyway, Mr. Hughes emails me this inspirational email about how his life was in the dumper three years ago and how, now, he is livin' the good life. The part that I loved, though, was this: "BTW... I refuse to believe that a minor setback like this will hold you down for too long. You’re Krista J. Konkin for crying out loud!!!!!!!" It was his P.S. to me and I have to say it made me laugh and shake my head. From a man who has never actually met me comes a belief in the greatness of who and what I am...bizarre but beautiful. Too bad this man has fallen in love again, I might just have to hunt him down and marry him.

To top it all off, I have a birthday parcel waiting for me at home and an unwatched epidsode of One Tree Hill to watch. I was only bitten three times on one wrist this week and I think my gig on Saturday is going to be tons of fun. These elusive moments of happiness don't come too frequently so when they do, I thank God. Imagine feeling this way every day, all the time...?...

Ok, one more quote from the book to end the night:
" "But some things can be fixed," you say.True, but can your relationship be fixed? Anything is possible, but we'd say probably not. Generally, if one person thinks that the breakup is the right more, they're probably right even if it feels so wrong. Because unless there are two people putting on their coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn't going to happen. Need more convincing? How about this: The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, "No, thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere." Or you said it to him. Either way, that alone should make you realize that it wasn't a match made in heaven and they're not worth donning coveralls for. Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears."

A-freakin'-men, sis-tah, a-freakin'-men.

I Ask You

I am a bad person for having no desire to blog about current, relevant social issues and events?
What could be more important to communicate to the world than one's own personal experiences and truths?
Compared to that, who the fuck cares about some conference on Vlogging in the 21st Century to Save Baby Seals and All The Other Vicitmized Aspects of Our Oh So Screwed Up Planet?
Is it true that the best way to get over someone is to immediately list something negative about them in your head, the moment you think of something wonderful about them that you miss?
Can Friends With Benefits ever truly work?
Should I even try?
Do men really care about women having orgasms during intercourse for the sake of women or simply because they are too lazy to figure out the supplementary techniques needed and then too lazy to - god forbid - expend the extra energy on implementing these techniques?
Could it be possible that the bedbugs are all gone?
Is it Karma that I keep getting told that I am wanted 'as a friend' waaaaay too much for my comfort by my hurtful Ex --- payback for all the beautiful boys in my past that I shoo-ed away with those same words when the thought of having sex with them made me nauseous?
Is it possible that I am truly going to turn 30 in 8 days?
What then?
Am I destined to die alone?
Should I move out of here, away from Him, toward something new?
Is Leanne truly making out with You Know Who?
Does everybody leave?
Or does it just feel like it?
Where are You, Man that I have yet to meet?
How long until we get to start building our beautiful, amazing life together??
Why are artist's so flaky, computer geeks so geeky and driven business people so unhappy?
Would a man really have sex with a woman who told him up front that she only wanted to use him for his body and that she would, in fact, be thinking of another man the entire time they were together?
Will anyone remember my 30th birthday?
What if there was a rule put in place that two people could not split up until both of them agreed that they wanted out?
Can you imagine all the extremely positive and extremely negative implications of that?
Does hanging out with someone that will break your heart with their very existance whether or not you hang out with them or ignore them constitue as self-destruction or just simply facing the music?
Do I overthink things?
When does it stop hurting?
If there was a device that could erase all the memories of a part of your life that currently brought you pain, would you use it?
Would I?
Isn't there a movie out there about that exact idea?
What are the implications or our generation's extended adolesence/fear of growing up and terror of settling down?
Where are the answers?
What are the questions?

The Shadow Side and Second Chances

I could seriously blog about 104 different things. I have had a full week and an even fuller weekend, so many moments of happiness, so many moments of sheer frustration, so many moments of everything. I left Pender last night on a note of anger. Today I am numb. A lot is happening and many of my buttons are being pushed...by friends, by co-workers, by my job and, of course, by my heartbreak.

Here is a penny that dropped this weekend as I was faced with my grumpiness...

I have been really good at making this breakup paint me as the one who did nothing but love Jordan. We have both focused on the final roles that were played out which were Krista as the one in love, the one ready to stay forever, the one who was clear and confidant about the relationship and Jordan as the confused, hurtful monster who has pushed and pulled me at his will until finally walking out of our home and, ultimately, into another woman's arms. I have clung to these roles and these stories. But this weekend I started remembering the other stuff.

I wasn't always a very good partner. In the beginning, I was hot and cold in terms of my interest in being in the relationship. I frekaed out about how different we were and would create mountains out of mole hills over something minor, like us wanting to eat different food. I had massive jealousy melt downs that were purely my own bullshit, but that he patiently and lovingly took in stride. Our trip to Colorado last year was frought with tension as I freaked out about how much time he spent on the computer and not with me. Hmmmm...I was needy of his time and his attention. Perhaps it was because of an underlying feeling that he didn't feel the same way about me, but I doubt it. I have been that way plenty of times before with men who were completely dedicated.

What else? Let's see, I was a demanding lover, often making sex very goal oriented instead of allowing it to be beautiful whatever occurred. I made him feel awful when he moved in because of my over the top control of HOW the house needed to look and asked him to give away or pack up or sell much of his stuff. There were nights when he would go out to be with his friends - which he only did every so often - and I would lay in bed and fret...cry...worry...seethe - wondering why he wasn't coming hom and wondering what it was that he could be doing. I have to be honest and say that I have shamed him on occasion when I have found out that he did something in his past that I judged as unacceptable. Every night, he would attempt to cuddle with me, which I would only reciprocate on occasion using excuses to keep my distance. On top of all that, I struggled the whole relationship with loving myself through the unemployment/Finding Me journey/money struggles and could become a big, negative black hole in the house.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know there was a lot of positive stuff that I did and brought to our partnership, but when I look at all of this, it leaves me thinking that maybe I needed this wake up call. In fact, I did need this wake up call. I want another chance to love again, now that I know what I know now.

If given another chance, with Jordan or whoever I would cherish my partner much more than I ever have. I would be cool with spending less time together and if he needed to be on his computer or with his friends or off doing something of his own accord, I would simply rejoice in the fact that at the end of the day I would get to fall alseep beside him in our home. I would be much more accepting of whoever and whatever his past brought to the relationship because, after all, he would be with me, there in the Now, and I would see how vital that is. I would use the time I might have spent trying to get our lives to merge, with being an individual and it would feel good to explore myself knowing I had such an amazing partner/friend/lover to cheer me on and witness my growth. I would make love with less panic, less need to be something for him or make him something for me and, even if our sex lives were frought with challenges, I would breathe in every messy moment with wonder. You might be rolling your eyes as you read this and sum it all up as the words of someone deeply in regret who would go back to her old ways if and when love came again, but I disagree. I have never been left before by a man - besides my father. I have never been rejected or left behind or replaced quite like this...and it is good, because my heart is now saying...next time cherish what you have exactly as it is and celebrate every second and be thankful for the time you are given because you can never know what is going to happen and your arrogance will drop away when you stop taking these kinds of partners for granted.

Strange, perhaps, for the one dumped to feel like she took the partnership for granted, but I think I did. If this pain is not for learning, then what for?

For those of you having relationship issues....congratulations! You have someone to have issues with...what a wonderful thing.

Hold me to this, k? When --- and I can't wait for the day! --- the time arrives when I can again be holding my best friend, my biggest teacher and my laughing partner in my arms, hold me to this blog if you see me forgetting. If I look like I am sulking, remind me of the gift I have in my life. Not that I will stop having a rainbow or emotions and days with different color, but may I never again allow that to dampen the sweetness of that someone who feels like home.

I am ready Now. Ready to Love at a depth that I have never had before.

Bring it on.