"Beginning is Easy - Continuing Hard”

Moving Back To kjkonkin.com

2006-06-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

It is my 30th birthday today and I am going to challenge myself to do something...

I am going to start blogging again on my site. I am going to try to take back my site, take back my life, take back this journey...

It may only last a day, but I feel it is something I wanna try.

Other than that, today I am simply just continuing to breathe. Breathe and not panic.

I am 30.

Oh well.

Once again, I live out loud.

For better or for worse.

With Tired Eyes

2006-06-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

Came across these words today...

With tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept.

Oh, If I could possibly make anyone understand -- how these words -- are my words -- how these words -- ring true to my core.

There are secrets that I keep, memories that haunt me and they make me old. That living room I stood in, four years old, and that man who should have protected me and, instead, chose to do the exact opposite. My brother reading to me, chair jammed up against the doorknob, his stories attempting to muffle the sounds of screaming and cyring and dishes breaking. A young friend coming to me for help when a man I told her she could trust abused that trust and being too young to know what to do, I did nothing. Torturing that shy girl in grade 4, making her cry, feeling nothing. Breaking his heart...and then his heart and then his heart. Now, it is my heart. Broken. And I am four again except this time I am turning 30 and I am so tired. Tired of feeling like I did the very first time I remember being left by my mother with a new and strange babysitter. Alone. Terrified. Clutching the front door, tiny face pressed to the screen, pleading for her to come come back. I was left. I am left.

And so I sleep. It drags me under like a drug and inside of it I am safe. During the day I do the things I know I must do. I get up, I pee, I gargle, apply some mascara, eat an apple. I make phone calls and puzzle over websites and have meetings and skype with friends. But I long to sleep. Instead, I go for a walk or I read a book or I pray. My prayers are scattered and more pleading than they are affirmative. Help me, I ask Whatever It Is. I hear nothing. With the silence as an answer I resume the doing. I think of Him, my stomache turns, I push away the thoughts, I answer some emails instead. I sing - momentary pleasure, I listen to other people's problems, I blog about my own. But really I just look forward to bedtime. When I get there I climb in and shove as many things in front of me as possible to squeeze away every last second of space where Him and Her might try to live. When I no longer see straight I allow It to wash over me and pull me away from the pain. No more best friend moving across the country to erase her regret. No more wondering what I want to be when I grow up. No more screen doors to frame the back of someone walking away toward something more important. Just sleep. With tired eyes, tired mind, tired soul, I sleep.

To sleep, perchance to dream -

Ay, there's the rub.

Wade in the Water

2006-06-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

Last night was magical.

If I have questioned where I belong in this world, then I was reminded last night of one place that has never held any doubt and that is on stage. It just makes sense to me up there. I know how to tell a story and make people laugh and bring them to tears with the rawness that is my bleeding heart. Everyone said it and they are right - I am at home on stage. I am just not at home with giving up the rest of my life to running from contract to contract with no security and complete self-obsession. I pray to Whatever is Out There or Whatever Is In Me to guide me to a place where I can be on stage and know a simple life of love and All That Is Good. Ahhhh, last night was fun.

Speaking of not belonging, I spent the day by the water and watched the worlds of people that belong to the ocean. The working class fishermen who are rough and wind-whipped, wearing slickers and rubber boots and looking like, although they live on water, they hardly bathe. And just down the dock, the yaught owners with their all-over tans, polo shirts and khaki shorts. They, too, walk around the marina like it is their home, just with alot more money. Over to the right of the marina are the kayakers in harmony with the cove, connected completed with the slick surface of the water and to the left the motorized dingy's filled with lake front home owners puttering into town in a manner that seems second nature to them...

All of it fascinates me. I dangled my feet in to a hot spring with a waterfall right over head and watched this world below me go about its business. As a landlocked prairie girl, It is planet I have seldom visited and know next to nothing about. It calls to me and frightens me, but I am not sure it is Who I Am. Or maybe it just has never been Who I Was. I am still manifesting a boat ride this summer and/or a little sailing. If I am going to work beside the ocean and live in a city on the ocean, I want to get to know the ocean a bit better.

Come away, O human child!
to the waters and the wild
with a faery, hand in hand,
for the world's more full of weeping
than you can understand...
- - - W. B. Yeats

Oh, Yeats, I understand...four days before I turn 30, a lost soul here in the wild by the waters and still so heartbroken, I begin to understand...

Everybody Leaves...

2006-06-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

So why shouldn't I?

The breakup book I am reading has advised me in no uncertain terms that as long as I live in the same city as Jo, I will always harbour a little bit of hope that at some point he will come around. It embarasses me to be this honest, but that sentence rings true. Part of me wondered if he might leave Canada after we split, but it looks like he is staying, which makes sense. He isn't having trouble moving on with his fabulous new life, I am. So, perhaps It will need to be me that leaves. Like the books says, even If I moved away and the day came when he realized he had screwed up and that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life (which we all know ain't gonna happen) he would want it badly enough to come and get me back from where ever I ended up. Otherwise, in the more realistic scenerio, I will move and slowly we will fade from each other's minds and I can get on living my own fabulous life filled with something other than missing Jordan Hart Good Lewin.

Question is...where would I go?

Well, back to Saskatchewan seems to be my first instinct. Moose Jaw at first to recenter and then Regina to hang with Leanne maybe get my Education Degree from U of R or Saskatoon where I could work for Monica or attend this school they have called the New Media Campus and study design/development.

Part of me also sorta fantasizes about doing a cruise ship contract for six months to a year. That would mean I would have to get hired first and god knows I haven't been honing my auditioning skills so who knows if I would be cast. But I am singing stronger than I ever have and I think, for the first real time in my life, I am ready to sail off into the ocean blue. The timing would be stellar...performing again after a two year break, making the money I need to get myself out of the debt that this past year's unemployment got me into, some travel and adventure, lots of hot men to help me lick my wounds and distance. If I could get cast, I would go - this I know. So perhaps I should at least try...

Halifax. That also has wandered through my brain, for no other reason than I have never experienced the Maritimes and my one visit to the city was impressive. Not sure what I would do there, but that has never stopped me before.

I have looked into doing a whole organic farming thing in Hawaii. Seems like a good place to go and heal, get a tan and maybe do something that kinda gives back...but I might need to be more of a go with the flow kind of person to follow up on this as much of the 'work' that you get on these organic communes is very fly by the seat of your pants in terms of organization. Also, there is the whole part of the actual hard labour I would have to put in, which I don't mind if it unskilled, but what do I know about farming? (Shush to any of you who just thought of about 50 Saskatchewan jokes to tell...)

The real obvious one is moving permanently here to Pender. Sounds like there are possibilities that Ptarmigan might be able to find money to hire me as their full time Program Coordinator and if that happened I would kinda need to live here. I am open to it as I have always wanted to live on a BC Island and it is so beautiful, so serene, so many trees and birds and the ocean at my front door...but I don't know If, for the purposes of breaking my addiction, it is far enough away. In fact, being here often inspires fantasies about me and him and a cottage by the ocean and kayaking and babies and a garden and a life so miraculous that it makes me nauseous to think that he has thrown it away. Still, it is a very real option connected to a pretty great potential job.

I dunno and I don't need to know right now. This isn't the first time I have blogged about moving and the feeling gets stronger and stronger. To have the book describe me so perfectly and then assure me the only way out of my heartbroken mess is to move just adds to an already growing list of reasons to go. It will unfold as it will. Living in the Now, I am going to take a walk to the farmers market and then go to my sound check and, tonight, entertain like I have been doing since I was four years old.

Today, at least, I'm not going anywhere.

In The Black

2006-06-08T23:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I could swear I was manic depressive...my mood swings are so high and so low...and you poor readers get the brunt of it because, depending on where I am at when I open up this laptop to blog, you get lambasted with my massive heart on my even bigger sleeve.

Well, tonight, in this moment, I am feeling good and so I am going to go with it, for your sake. Plenty of scrumptious morsels stick out to me in this moment of smiles...let's see...there is the simple things like the hot shower I just took scrubbing myself with my new Body Scrub. It is a hoot to be sitting here in my bed smelling like a big ol' sugary fig and it reminds me of us girlz going shopping on Tuesday which was lots of fun. Another simple thing that I have loved since I was a little girl...the sound of the rain on the window. Sure, I could bitch because it is June and it is raining, but I love the sound, especially when I am snuggled up all cozy.

Then there are the bigger things like my accomplishments at work today. I attacked once again the website and learned all sorts of yummy things. Glen's help on Tuesday was priceless and gentle and reminded me just how much I miss staying up until the wee small hours hunched over a laptop while some fabulous man teaches me...thanks, Glen. Tonight, though, I was one my own and I replaced images by updating Photoshop docs and reslicing them accurately and creating all new pages from scratch...it is so rewarding. I stayed at the office until 11pm with pleasure. There is so much to learn and I can't get enough. I have even created this imaginary jordan friend who helps me out with the problem solving. He looks like Jo and talks like Jo and we laugh together like Jo and I might have back in the day and he nudges me in the right direction when I am faced with a website riddle. Imaginary Jo still loves me and hangs out with me and guides me and never talks about just wanting to be friends. I LOVE IMAGINARY JO and I thank him, too, for being my ghost instructor.

Oh, and this book I am reading...while we are on the subject of my obsessive disability to let go of my relationship...needs to be noted. Written by the same authors as "He's Just Not That Into You", this book entitled, "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken - The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy" is utterly fantastic. I have only ready the first 30 pages or so, but I have burst into tears about four times already and into laughter about eighteen. It is like the authors have been watching all the pathetic things that I have been doing and are decribing them in detail...I am searching for quotes to type here from the book, but really, I would have to basically retype the book from start to finish. Oh, here's a quick one: "Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit." Yup, lovin' this book.

Also, lovin' these awesome emails that keep comin' at me from the men in my life. Today's was from a man that I have actually never met in person, but maybe because we have so many mutual friends, we feel like we know each other. Plus, we have talked alot via email and chat...anyway, Mr. Hughes emails me this inspirational email about how his life was in the dumper three years ago and how, now, he is livin' the good life. The part that I loved, though, was this: "BTW... I refuse to believe that a minor setback like this will hold you down for too long. You’re Krista J. Konkin for crying out loud!!!!!!!" It was his P.S. to me and I have to say it made me laugh and shake my head. From a man who has never actually met me comes a belief in the greatness of who and what I am...bizarre but beautiful. Too bad this man has fallen in love again, I might just have to hunt him down and marry him.

To top it all off, I have a birthday parcel waiting for me at home and an unwatched epidsode of One Tree Hill to watch. I was only bitten three times on one wrist this week and I think my gig on Saturday is going to be tons of fun. These elusive moments of happiness don't come too frequently so when they do, I thank God. Imagine feeling this way every day, all the time...?...

Ok, one more quote from the book to end the night:
" "But some things can be fixed," you say.True, but can your relationship be fixed? Anything is possible, but we'd say probably not. Generally, if one person thinks that the breakup is the right more, they're probably right even if it feels so wrong. Because unless there are two people putting on their coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn't going to happen. Need more convincing? How about this: The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, "No, thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere." Or you said it to him. Either way, that alone should make you realize that it wasn't a match made in heaven and they're not worth donning coveralls for. Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears."

A-freakin'-men, sis-tah, a-freakin'-men.

I Ask You

2006-06-07T01:20:00.000-07:00

I am a bad person for having no desire to blog about current, relevant social issues and events?
What could be more important to communicate to the world than one's own personal experiences and truths?
Compared to that, who the fuck cares about some conference on Vlogging in the 21st Century to Save Baby Seals and All The Other Vicitmized Aspects of Our Oh So Screwed Up Planet?
Is it true that the best way to get over someone is to immediately list something negative about them in your head, the moment you think of something wonderful about them that you miss?
Can Friends With Benefits ever truly work?
Should I even try?
Do men really care about women having orgasms during intercourse for the sake of women or simply because they are too lazy to figure out the supplementary techniques needed and then too lazy to - god forbid - expend the extra energy on implementing these techniques?
Could it be possible that the bedbugs are all gone?
Is it Karma that I keep getting told that I am wanted 'as a friend' waaaaay too much for my comfort by my hurtful Ex --- payback for all the beautiful boys in my past that I shoo-ed away with those same words when the thought of having sex with them made me nauseous?
Is it possible that I am truly going to turn 30 in 8 days?
What then?
Am I destined to die alone?
Should I move out of here, away from Him, toward something new?
Is Leanne truly making out with You Know Who?
Does everybody leave?
Or does it just feel like it?
Where are You, Man that I have yet to meet?
How long until we get to start building our beautiful, amazing life together??
Why are artist's so flaky, computer geeks so geeky and driven business people so unhappy?
Would a man really have sex with a woman who told him up front that she only wanted to use him for his body and that she would, in fact, be thinking of another man the entire time they were together?
Will anyone remember my 30th birthday?
What if there was a rule put in place that two people could not split up until both of them agreed that they wanted out?
Can you imagine all the extremely positive and extremely negative implications of that?
Does hanging out with someone that will break your heart with their very existance whether or not you hang out with them or ignore them constitue as self-destruction or just simply facing the music?
Do I overthink things?
When does it stop hurting?
If there was a device that could erase all the memories of a part of your life that currently brought you pain, would you use it?
Would I?
Isn't there a movie out there about that exact idea?
What are the implications or our generation's extended adolesence/fear of growing up and terror of settling down?
Where are the answers?
What are the questions?

The Shadow Side and Second Chances

2006-06-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

I could seriously blog about 104 different things. I have had a full week and an even fuller weekend, so many moments of happiness, so many moments of sheer frustration, so many moments of everything. I left Pender last night on a note of anger. Today I am numb. A lot is happening and many of my buttons are being pushed...by friends, by co-workers, by my job and, of course, by my heartbreak.

Here is a penny that dropped this weekend as I was faced with my grumpiness...

I have been really good at making this breakup paint me as the one who did nothing but love Jordan. We have both focused on the final roles that were played out which were Krista as the one in love, the one ready to stay forever, the one who was clear and confidant about the relationship and Jordan as the confused, hurtful monster who has pushed and pulled me at his will until finally walking out of our home and, ultimately, into another woman's arms. I have clung to these roles and these stories. But this weekend I started remembering the other stuff.

I wasn't always a very good partner. In the beginning, I was hot and cold in terms of my interest in being in the relationship. I frekaed out about how different we were and would create mountains out of mole hills over something minor, like us wanting to eat different food. I had massive jealousy melt downs that were purely my own bullshit, but that he patiently and lovingly took in stride. Our trip to Colorado last year was frought with tension as I freaked out about how much time he spent on the computer and not with me. Hmmmm...I was needy of his time and his attention. Perhaps it was because of an underlying feeling that he didn't feel the same way about me, but I doubt it. I have been that way plenty of times before with men who were completely dedicated.

What else? Let's see, I was a demanding lover, often making sex very goal oriented instead of allowing it to be beautiful whatever occurred. I made him feel awful when he moved in because of my over the top control of HOW the house needed to look and asked him to give away or pack up or sell much of his stuff. There were nights when he would go out to be with his friends - which he only did every so often - and I would lay in bed and fret...cry...worry...seethe - wondering why he wasn't coming hom and wondering what it was that he could be doing. I have to be honest and say that I have shamed him on occasion when I have found out that he did something in his past that I judged as unacceptable. Every night, he would attempt to cuddle with me, which I would only reciprocate on occasion using excuses to keep my distance. On top of all that, I struggled the whole relationship with loving myself through the unemployment/Finding Me journey/money struggles and could become a big, negative black hole in the house.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know there was a lot of positive stuff that I did and brought to our partnership, but when I look at all of this, it leaves me thinking that maybe I needed this wake up call. In fact, I did need this wake up call. I want another chance to love again, now that I know what I know now.

If given another chance, with Jordan or whoever I would cherish my partner much more than I ever have. I would be cool with spending less time together and if he needed to be on his computer or with his friends or off doing something of his own accord, I would simply rejoice in the fact that at the end of the day I would get to fall alseep beside him in our home. I would be much more accepting of whoever and whatever his past brought to the relationship because, after all, he would be with me, there in the Now, and I would see how vital that is. I would use the time I might have spent trying to get our lives to merge, with being an individual and it would feel good to explore myself knowing I had such an amazing partner/friend/lover to cheer me on and witness my growth. I would make love with less panic, less need to be something for him or make him something for me and, even if our sex lives were frought with challenges, I would breathe in every messy moment with wonder. You might be rolling your eyes as you read this and sum it all up as the words of someone deeply in regret who would go back to her old ways if and when love came again, but I disagree. I have never been left before by a man - besides my father. I have never been rejected or left behind or replaced quite like this...and it is good, because my heart is now saying...next time cherish what you have exactly as it is and celebrate every second and be thankful for the time you are given because you can never know what is going to happen and your arrogance will drop away when you stop taking these kinds of partners for granted.

Strange, perhaps, for the one dumped to feel like she took the partnership for granted, but I think I did. If this pain is not for learning, then what for?

For those of you having relationship issues....congratulations! You have someone to have issues with...what a wonderful thing.

Hold me to this, k? When --- and I can't wait for the day! --- the time arrives when I can again be holding my best friend, my biggest teacher and my laughing partner in my arms, hold me to this blog if you see me forgetting. If I look like I am sulking, remind me of the gift I have in my life. Not that I will stop having a rainbow or emotions and days with different color, but may I never again allow that to dampen the sweetness of that someone who feels like home.

I am ready Now. Ready to Love at a depth that I have never had before.

Bring it on.

Building My Courage Muscle

2006-06-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

I think I am pretty good at doing things that scare me, at taking risks. But I think I could do even better.

I want to fill my summer with trying new things and attacking head on those things which I am not positive I will do 'right'. This will cause some discomfort, possibly sometimes what might seem like painful steps backwards in my self-esteem, but overall I believe It will be the only way that I will come out the other end of this season a stronger person.

So far, I have done a few notable things. Yesterday, I rode a bike over much hilly terrain here on Pender to attend a Yoga class. This is pretty huge as I do not (yet) excel at either of these things. The experience brought up a lot of anger, which I found fascinating, and self-loathing - not to mention a sore ass. But now that I blog about it, I am sorta proud of myself for even trying.

I am diving into the graphic and web design and development stuff with Ptarmigan and, most of the time, am way in over my head. Walls are being hit, my limits stretched, my brain squeezed. Then...something works. Boom. Happiness. I can point at something and, even despite the flaws of an obvious beginner, I can say that I created it.

With The Windflower Trio I am asked to play keyboards for our Celtic repertoire. Ask anyone who really knows my talent set and they will tell you that I am not really a piano player. And these tunes are faaaaaast. And Celtic music is a whole genre that I haven't (until now) known much about. But there I am in rehearsals, glued to my charts, grinning from ear to ear as I pound out reel after jig after reel while these two crazy Islanders go to town on their tin whistles and hammered dulcimers. It is so much fun and it is totally terrifying and my reward is getting to come back out front and do the rest of our rep as the singer. I can't help but wonder - how did I get here?

Then there is this breakup. Letting myself blow up in the car the night I found out about Sarah was uncharacteristic and, in its own way, healing for me. It was scary to say such final things to a man who I really so desperately didn't want to lose, but I did it. Even scarier, was to have emailed him the first time to say I was sorry and, in response to an email he sent me this week, that I love him. How is that different or scary or a stretch you might ask? Because when I say I love you to him now, I know that I will not get anything back, that I will not be the girl he holds in his arms this weekend, that I am still as rejected as I ever was...but I say it anyway. Only and simply because it is true. Holding on to less and less, letting go more and more, these steps I take are scarier than all the others put together.

Still to come...I would like to start meditating again...twenty minute periods...see if I can't find some refuge for my overactive mind. I was even offerred a chance to learn to sew by a Haven of Hope staff member...I am thinking a skirt to start. Sewing is terrifying for two reasons - one, because I swore I would never do something so domestic so it is about letting go of old ways of defining myself and two, because the last time I tried was in Grade Nine Sewing Class and it produced the lowest average I ended up getting in all of high school.

Ah, well, like they say, If you aren't failing then you're not trying hard enough.

Just Call Me The BedBug Hitler

2006-05-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Jeeeeeeezuz.

You should have seen me. Really. Last night, around 10:30pm I take a hot bath (they have apparantly decided to turn off the heat in the building before Vancouver got a chance to realize that it's summer) and walk into my bedroom. I put on my now nightly attire - long pants tucked into huge socks, a turtleneck (the night before I wore a vneck and that little patch of exposed skin on my collarbone became a bedbug buffet) tucked into gloves. Tossing around some new ideas I figured I might use different pillows to see if that makes any difference at all and picked up one of the other, usually unused pillows and as I lifted it into the air I saw it. A bedbug. Running for cover followed by several other baby versions! There they were, finally, the actually bugs in front of my eyes!! I pounced on the bed and tried to follow them as the ran away so not to lose them or maybe to find out where their 'home' might be...and as I peeked under one of the posts on my headboard I saw it hiding.

What happened over the next few hours is still a blur. I went ape shit. All I know is I wrapped some sort of fabric around my face, got the raid, some tweezers and pill bottle and went to town. I ripped my bed apart holding my lamp in one hand to shed more direct light on the subjects and started to root them out. I dismantled my bedframe, turned my mattress over, unscrewed hinges, tore baseboards off the wall. And let me tell you ----

They were - are - everywhere.

I sprayed and killed and captured over a dozen of the big, engorged-with-my-blood adults and many more little baby ones. I found nests of eggs and fecal matter. All the evidence I have been wanting for two months just suddenly appeared. I was too driven to be horrified. I was in a rage. Damn you, you little bastards, I kept thinking, you wanna drink my blood? Drive me insane?! Think again....and I twisted my body into positions I forgot it could get into just to inspect areas and cracks and crevices to find these enemies of mine. I did this until I was totally exhausted and my room looked like a hurricane had hit it...well, I suppose a hurricane HAD hit it - its name was Krista.

High from the fumes and the frustration, I collapsed onto my couch at 3am and tried to warm myself under a few fleece blankets. My sleep was erratic and uncomfortable. I felt like I was being bitten all night, which maybe I was because who is to say that they are only in my bedroom??? I woke up every two hours and checked the clock. Finally, when my alarm went off at 10am, I had nothing left in me but saddness. My home. My sanctuary. It is haunted by ghosts of a love that has torn me to shreds, is filled with bugs that have covered me head to toe in itchy bites, has a shower with a burst pipe that drips rusty water from the ceiling and is slowly starting to feel more and more like a liability than a home. I loved this apartment. But, like the doctor I saw today said to me, maybe it is time for me to move. Sleeping like a stranger on my own couch, I definitly feel like the universe is trying to tell me something.

Today, I vaccumed and sprayed bleach on everything. Now, the place smells like a public pool. Tomorrow morning I go to Pender and I couldn't be happier to get out of here and that breaks my already broken heart. Next weekend I will test to see if I am still getting bitten and when I probably do, I will call Pest Control, money or no money. Either I will win or they will win...

but either way, feels like this character may be needing to exit stage right with a slow fade to black...

...end scene.

A MishMash of Emotion

2006-05-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

You will have to forgive me if this blog ends up being a stream of consciousness, unconnected dots scattered in paragraph form, thoughts and feelings from a heart and mind that seem to be as erratic as is this journey to healing...

Happiness = Seattle with Eric, filled with shopping and talking non-stop about relationsihps and eating awesome food (oh glorious the days when I have an appetite). We ended up dancing at Camp Jitterbug, a lindy exchange of sorts, jammed into a room packed with the nation's very best dancers. My ass was kicked -- I have never danced that hard in my life with that many good leads. It was an orgy of great dance after great dance after great dance. By the time we left, I was humbled, exhausted and happy. Had to get naked in the parking lot and change clothes as the ones I went in with were sopping. Good day.

Saddness = Looking up at the Space Needle in Seattle and remembering Our 1 year anniversary. Still confused how he has let it all go, how it is that he has replaced me so quickly, how I could have believed that I meant so much more than I obviously did...painful painful thoughts.

Joy = Rehearsing with Windflower...prepping for our gig on the 10th, singing my heart out supported by these amazing musicians and kept afloat by how much they love to play music. Existing on a planet out there on Pender where my talents are respected and revered and my light gets to shine bright, bright, bright. When we are in the middle of a set, my breathe comes easier and I believe once again that I am going to be better than okay...I am going to come out of all of this stronger than before.

Quote = When your heart seems broken, remember that is posssibly only cracked open in order to recieve even more love.

Frustration = Whatever is biting me is now biting everyone else in the building. I don't know what to do! Last night, and you gotta picture this, I went to bed with long pants tucked into my socks and a long sleeved shirt tucked into gloves. I know, the image is so sexy you're having a hard time containing yourself. I am going to a doctor again on Tuesday to see if I can get another opinion...something. I dunno. It is driving me from my apartment.

Inspiration = Come fall my heart is calling me to get outta here. I stayed in the face of this breakup and I have tried...but I long for adventure, to meet new people, for new love, for places and faces that don't remind me of Jordan. I am looking at schools outside of BC, of jobs that would take me away for 6 months to year, to travelling that would give me something to look forward to...this summer might change things, but so far, I have not 'gotten okay' with being so close and yet so far from the man that I still, unfortunately, love. Am conjuring, like a magician, many possibilities...

Addiction = Thought I might see Jo again this weekend at dancing or the Centre or a MM meeting, but never happened. Wild how disappointed I am and how relieved...all at the same time. I want to be near him and I dread it -- it really does feel like an addiction that I am trying to break out of...wanting something that is so hurtful to you, desiring something despite the risks...is this the co-dependency thing that Jo always talked about? Was I more addicted to him than in love with him?

Relativity = Just heard about a friend's co-worker who's son was stabbed to death this weekend. Remembered how blessed I am and how thankful that most everything else in my life is beautiful and safe and loving and good.

Questioning = I am always cold. Always. I can't seem to get warmed up. What is that all about?

Manifesting = more RAM, an iPod, a digital camera/video camera, straight teeth, perfect eyesight, the rest of the Season 3 episodes of One Tree Hill, a piano, a bugless apartment, more graphic/web design/development tutoring, front tire hubcaps, a visit with Sean/Emma/Alex, a payed off credit card, a gym membership, an alternative to gasoline, a bike ride around Stanley Park, hot hot hot summer weather, adventure and someone wonderful to share it all with until the day I die, amen.

Ok, that AND a terrific non-solo orgasm.

Til then, I will settle for some lunch.

A Poem of Phosphorescence

2006-05-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

I sit near this dock on an Island dark
Moments before 30
Ignoring the rain that drenches me
and the reasons why I'm worthy

Oh, It's a beautiful life inside these lies
How could I ask for more?
Nothing but shoreline and seaweed salt
And the light from the general store

And the ocean twinkles electric
And the sky's all black and blue
There's beauty here, I see that clearly,
But what there's not, is you,
No more,
What there's not, is you.

It's a waterfall of tears now
And I hope I've paid my due
Because after this, there best be bliss,
If I can't be next to you,
No more,
If I can't be next to you.

I take a mental polaroid
Of the hell I'm going through
Sitting Alone with the Pacific O
And it's phosphorescent hue

Could be that years and years from now
The memory will be sweet
But until then, It's cold, wet pain
And I dangle in my feet

And the ocean twinkles electric
And the sky's all black and blue
There's beauty here, I see that clearly,
But what there's not, is you,
No more,
What there's not, is you.

It's a waterfall of tears now
And I hope I've paid my due
Because after this, there best be bliss,
If I can't be next to you,
No more,
If I can't be next to you.

Found some stars to wish upon tonight
Captured inside this wave
So quick to spark, so quick to die
So quick their watery grave

I'd scoop them up into my hands
If I thought that they would stay
But as if simply by my wanting
They're guaranteed away

...And I'm stayin' out here until daylight comes
I'm waitin' for the dawn
Then I'll let go of this broken heart
And write an ending to this song...

And the ocean twinkles electric
And the sky's all black and blue
There's beauty here, I see that clearly,
But what there's not, is you,
No more,
What there's not, is you.

It's a waterfall of tears now
And I hope I've paid my due
Because after this, there best be bliss,
If I can't be next to you,
No more,
No, I won't be next to you.

Ryan McCombe

2006-05-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

I know I just blogged about my ex's appearing out of nowhere - talking to Aidan, concern from Dean, support from Brent David, an email from Kirklind and now, in my inbox, Ryan McCombe.

That's right. Ryan freakin' McCombe with a mass email announcing the birth of his daughter! Sigh.

She is, of course, adorable. And his email was, in keeping with the smashing of all my other stories, very sweet. He said something about how much he learned from us, mostly about what he didn't want. On one hand, I completely agree with the man, he and I summed up what I hope to avoid in a relationship, but in another way reading that sentence made me very sad. I can't help but want to scream in frustration at the thought that Ryan McCombe has a beautiful wife (named Krista - spooky) and a baby girl and is teaching at a private school which he excels at brilliantly. Why does it feel unfair to see someone like him have all the things that I want? Grrrrr. I am happy for him, I am. But I am sad for me. Sad to be turning 30 and to be waking up alone in my double bed with no idea what comes next.

Here's another one of Julia Evelyn McCombe....

And some pics from my long weekend now ending. Here is one with Jennie at sunset on English Bay - blurry due to the camera's autofocus somehow, please forgive:

Here is one of Jen and I and her buddy Sherry who was visiting from North Carolina:

Finally, one of me. I looked at this picture this morning and gave myself a hug. I think I look very ... small...fragile...sad...alone...just me and the Pacific. Ah, this too shall pass...

Back to Pender. I look forward to getting on that ferry tonight. I really can only take so much time in this apartment. Waking up alone there seems less depressing than doing it here. Last night I did realize something, though. I was over at Annemarie's watching One Tree Hill and her brother started to chat her very distressed. Seems he has had his heart broken and is not dealing very well...couldn't sleep...haunted by thoughts of the Ex...the same old. I read each of his enteries as it appeared on the small chat screen and couldn't help but think 'I am not alone in this pain'. I went to sleep reminded that there are a million of us out there sufferring because we can't be with the one we love. It is uniting in a way. Perhaps to you it seems obvious, but to me it was revolutionary.

Welcome, Julia Evelyn. May your Daddy's strongest points be all that befall you and may Love treat you kindly...

...and may you rise to the challenge if it does not.

What Comes Next

2006-05-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling restless. My long weekend has been excellent, really, full of friends and fun and the Pacific Ocean. But this morning, as I sit here typing, my knee can't stop bouncing up and down, full of excess energy or anxiety or something. I am staring at my knee thinking, what is this? Trying to figure out how I am feeling. I think I am coming down off the high of those prescription antihistamines that that loser doctor gave me for the bites that aren't going away. That, or more sadness and fear is rising to the top this morning and isn't quite sure yet how to escape.

For the first time in a long time, perhaps because I have had this breakup to focus on and deal with, I have thought about what is going to come next after Ptarmigan, after this summer. My mother so wonderfully reminded me that I committed to taking my Real Estate exam at some point. Ug. Part of me is saying 'why take the exam if you have no desire to pursue it as a career?'. The other part of me says 'take it because you said you would, even if you don't pursue it as a career'. Another voice says 'what if you take it and fail it? worse yet, what if you take it, pass it, have nothing else obvious to walk toward and end up getting sucked up into it?'. It is a conflict that I have been enjoyably avoiding. I know how proud my family would be of me, how much money I could make, how good it would feel to have the kinds of freedoms that making good money would bring. I also know how I felt being in the industry before, how your cell phone rings at all hours, how life and death everyone is about these stupid deals, how unhappy most RE salespeople I know actually are despite their money. I dunno. Sigh. Thinking aobut this is making my leg bounce even harder.

Another thought that has bubbled up this long weekend is about taking off somewhere in the fall. Just getting away somehow. I have been through ALOT and I didn't run when I wanted to...I stayed put like everyone challenged me to do, redecorated my apartment, slept with the bugs, let Jordan use my heart until he found a replacement and still stayed to pick up those newly shattered pieces. I think I have done my time. The thought of some kind of new adventure waiting for me in September gives me hope. That, or going back to school somewhere new to study something that actually excited me. Or perhaps all I need is a vacation and not a move seeing that I am still quite taken with Vancouver and with BC. But something. Somewhere. Meet new people. Do new things. Breathe, Krista. Breathe.

I breathe and my leg stops bouncing.

Let it unfold. That is what I want to be able to do. Just be in the Now and let the rest unfold. Just breathe. Let the stuff bubble up. Allow myself to be sad today imaging what a lovely overcast day in bed We could have had together. Face the lonely silence of my refrigerator humming, my heart beating. Sit inside the frustration of these bites, these hives, these things multiplying. Be okay with not knowing my future. Not resist the panic in my bouncing knee that I might be alone forever. Feel. Feel it. Feel it all.

Ouch.

Dan The Swing Out Man

2006-05-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

My friend Dan who I met last year at a swing dance and swings me out better than any other lead I have ever danced with has been diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy). They are speaking to him as if he will soon, very soon, be bound to a wheelchair. For now, he is trying to live his life as best he can considering he must avoid things like stairs at all costs.

This has come out of nowhere. It puts all my pain, all my struggles into perspective. I imagine, with all my complaining, about waking up one day and my challenge that day isn't just to not think of Jordan with another girl, but to simply walk across the room. I take this time, here and now, to thank the Universal One for my health, my wellbeing, my fingers, my toes, my lovely arms and strong legs. It makes dealing with my stupid bites (or whatever they are) with a grain of salt. If itchy bites are the worst of it for me, then I am doin' okay.

Looks like my weekend is going to fill up with lots of plans with lots of friends. After one comes out of the hibernation of coupling, they remember just how much of a social life they had before they fell in love. I am thankful, too, for my friends.

Thankfully thankful, I send this blessed energy to you, Dan.

Hold on. Let Go. Believe.

Go Oil

2006-05-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

Saw Jordan at Showboat tonight - which for those of you who don't know is a place where we all go Lindy Hopping - and I did not shrivel up and die. In fact, after the initial shock of seeing him, I just felt sort of a numb, empty feeling. Almost boredom. Or emotional exhaustion. I dunno, but It was good to not care really. That boy has screwed up by losing me. Period. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. Thank God. We danced a couple of times and went our seperate ways. Surreal and strange, yet oddly okay. Let Sarah have him. I'm done.

So the Oilers win and I begin to Let Go. Glory, glory, hallelujiah.

So, some Konkin Picks just 'cause I am in a good mood:

Best Metaphysical Movie Find
A Waking Life

Book Recommended By Too Many People To Not Be Good
The Timetraveller's Wife

Song That Rings True and Has a Rockin' Video
What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts

Website That I Am Working On Of The Company I Work For
www.artforchange.ca

Coolest Cool Website Discovery
www.nationalbreakupday.com (June 2nd, FYI)

That is all for tonight. Am curious if I will get bitten back here in my bed in 206. Long weekend stretches ahead of me. Sorta look forward to it and sort of dread it. Getting my appetite back and last night I had a pretty normal sleep. Want to meditate more. Today I spent a good twenty minutes on the water just sitting and being. Felt good. Really like working on the website at work even If I am not very good at it...reminds me of why I used to want to study more graphic arts stuff...perhaps I still will. Had the feeling the other day of taking off for somewhere in the fall for a few months. As I come up for breath, as I no longer feel like I am drowning, a million new thoughts and possibilities fill my heart. All at once I am new to Vancouver again, sitting in Kyle's apartment, my own person and Jordan Lewin is a blip in time. I have felt like the loser for so long now...but now I begin to see...I am still playin' the game...it ain't over...

She shoots, she scores.

A Light, A Tunnel and The Upper Yurt

2006-05-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

I am typing this a slightly different woman than the last time I typed. So a miracle has occurred. A small miracle, but none the less, a miracle.

Today, I woke up and thought about catching the ferry on time instead of Jordan. I then realized I was kinda hungry and when I stood up out of bed, I did not immediately have to run to the bathroom. Thrilled, I slowly got ready for my day in a house by the ocean, grabbed a pear, sat out on the back deck and watched the ocean. I felt almost peaceful.

Today, I was paid to work on a website. I loved that. I mean, I was totally in over my head and I thought about Jordan a gazillion times becaues there were so many questions that I wanted to ask him, but mostly I was just focused on deciphering mangled HTML. On breaks, I went out into the HOT SUN (another miracle) and laid back on picnic tables for a quick pick-me-upper. Every time I would feel my thoughts slide to Jordan and Sarah fucking like wildcats all weekend on the side of a mountain, sweaty from their 45 mile, 80 degree angle hike, I would take a sip of water and just say no. And wierdly, today, that kinda worked.

At some point, today, I thought to myself, I wonder if there will be any hot, young, Christian camp councellor boys arriving soon? No sooner did I think it, then I walked out of my office and smack dab into Greg from Saskatoon (of all places! god, we breed 'em well). Hi, I smiled. Hi, he smiled. Hmmmmmmm, I thought. At lunch, Greg is introduced as Haven of Hope's first camp councellor to arrive for the summer, fresh from Bible College. Jaime, my co-worker, gives me that look from across the table. I deduce that he must be all of 20 or 21. After lunch he pulls out his Powerbook and I am --- what's this? --- flirting! I actually remember how! I am also sorely remembering that my 30th birthday is in about four weeks. Ah well. He is staying in the Upper Yurt, just a short walk through the trees, If I should ever find myself *ahem* lost or something.

Today, I ate supper for real. Not one or two bites, clutching my cramping stomache, but a whole plate of food. And tonight, I am blogging without tears running down my face. In fact, I am beginning to think that Mr. Lewin has made a terrible mistake letting me go...which is an improvement on the more common thought - what If I never get to hold him ever again?

Some of this strength of spirit is because I received an email back from Him last night. It was kind and that was healing. It was also a repeat of all the hurtful crap I have heard a million times 'I wish I could have made it work' and 'I will always care about you', but In Its predictability came a safe peace and a layer of boredom. I am thankful to know that I will be able to dance with him someday at the Legion or chat him about Design questions in some distant future or see him at the Centre without too much drama...that is, until the day comes when I get to see Him with Her at one of Our places. But that's a blog that I will cross when I come to it.

Some of this strength of spirit is because of my friends and their excellent support and amazing wisdom. Thank you, friends. Martine and Caitlin, you will be proud to know that I did not log on to any of my IMs for all of Monday and Tuesday. Jennie, thank you for letting me tag along during your social outings. Leanne, thank you for telling me that you think I am way cuter and cooler than Her. Eric, thank you for assuring me you would protect me at the dance. Darryl, thank you for your comment on my last post. Ian, I am writing lots of unsent letters by hand. Shell, I agree and will and can only take tiny baby steps. Jessi, I am so glad that you let me help me with your upset on Saturday because It assured me that I am not totally alone and that all relationships are hard sometimes. Annemarie, you rock when you tell me stories of the Ex that took you 6 years to get over! Sean, thank you for explaining why and how I am not Borderline. Michael, for reminding me that I am desirable. Aidan, thank you for helping me not beat up on myself, Dean, for knowing me going on 18 years now and still loving me and Brent David, thank you for patting me on the back for Living Out Loud. Joelle, I promise to go see a doctor if my appetite goes away again. And to Mom, thank you for absolutely everything everything everything.

I tread carefully.
The tunnel is still so dark.
But finally some light.
Hope dies.
Hope is born.

Beginning is Easy -
Continuing Hard.

Reinventing Pink

2006-05-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

Haven't slept or eaten much of anything in almost 14 days.
Went to Wreck beach today and laid my pain down in the sun.
Of course, that beach made me think of Him
Surrounded by friends I lay still and didn't die.
That's gotta count for something.
Wept at the Centre this morning.
Jen's hand on my back willed me to Let Go and Wail
I could not
Make that kind of spectacle.
Looked Up through tears and all this Love stared back.
Leora winked at me as she sang.
John's steady stare softened the sting.
Ruth's email later that day declaring that I, Krista,
Have Reinvented Pink.
Chip telling me to breathe.
My mother, on Mother's Day, being a Mom.
My Doctor friend wanting to help,
To Prescribe me sleeping pills.
Her brother
Once a sullen teen
A Man telling me that I looked good.
Taking the stairs
Home again
Liking the physical pain of the climb
Hardly noticing as I wondered what He was doing
Giving Him my power
Trying to forgive myself for it.
Meeting 22 year olds who have looked
Cancer in the face
Watching how they embrace life
Stomache cramping
Wishing for a miracle
Hoping for a miracle
Waiting for a miracle

If You Had One More Day To Live

2006-05-11T23:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight I walked through this island with a thousand voices racing in my head and in the silent gaps I whispered hello to the trees and laid down in tall grasses and stared at the sky. Tonight, these voices were different, albeit the original ones were still there muttering 'he never loved you, he was never passionate about you, you are not special enough to be passionate about and you will never again find magical love so give up'. Those old voices grumbled and my stomache tightened around the suspicion that what they spoke was true, but there was this other melodic voice and It said something different.

It asked me 'what would Love do? what would Love say?' and then It answered itself 'I'm sorry, I miss you, I 'm sorry, I love you' and like a chant I walked down the island roads to Its rhythm and onto a path that led me nowhere, somewhere. I heard It ask me 'what if he was taken from this world tomorrow? what would you regret not saying? what would you stand beside his coffin and wish you could tell him? what do you need to say?' And again there was simply 'I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry'.

At some point down this path I found myself standing on this rickety old dock staring at a marsh and the sun was so low, but still it caught the water and it was beautiful. I squeezed my eyes together tightly to stop myself from crying. Then, the muttering voices caught me off guard. They warned 'you can't say anything to him. he has found someone else now. he doesn't care about you. you told him to get out of your life. he won't forgive you. he probably isn't even thinking about you at all. he will laugh at you and tell to leave him alone. he won't trust you. you aren't trustworthy. it's hopeless.'

But I opened my eyes and in spite of their muttering watched the sun set completely and then kept on walking. With every step back home to my cabin the muttering slowed and I heard what I knew was Truth speak again. 'you must feel what you feel proudly. you must tell him what you feel always. you must not die with your music still inside of you.'

I could feel what was coming next and more tears rose and the night enveloped me. Softly the Voice added '...and then, krista, you must set him free. you must tell him with your whole heart knowing that he may not say anything back, knowing that he might not feel that same way, knowing that he might scold you, scoff at you, reject you yet again. you must because it is Who You Are and he must know It and It mustn't be about getting results or getting him back or getting anything at all. you must tell him you are sorry and that you miss him. you must tell him that you have loved him more deeply and more completely than you have ever loved before and that you still do and that you always will. then, krista, you must turn and walk away. you must love him while letting him go. are you ready?'

Back in my cabin and in front of my computer, that walk seems like a dream and I am afraid. I am not sure if I am ready.

But I tonight I became clearer on what it is I have to do.

The Beautiful Men I Call My Past

2006-05-09T17:24:00.000-07:00

Won't dwell on this again, but to check in honestly, I am not doing very well today. Feel propelled to apologize to Jordan, to contact him. Afraid of getting rejected or laughed at or ignored. Don't want to disrespect the space that we both need to move on. Miss him. Want to find a peaceful resolution. Want him in my life in some way, even if it is very small. Not sure he wants to ever talk to me again. Terrified to find out. Terrified to watch him evaporate entirely from my life. Scared all the time. Not eating. Not sleeping. Still getting bitten by bugs. Pain. Exhaustion. Feel like I am mourning a death.

But something interesting and beautiful has occurred in the past week. I have spoken to both Aidan and Dean. Two of my greatest loves, my most signifigant Ex's. Both conversations were kind, caring, loving even. Both of them were so supportive of me and what I am going through and, even though I hurt both of them badly, were sad to hear how sad I am. That boggles my mind. I always tell the 'story' about how my Ex's think I am the devil. But it isn't true. They still love me. They have always loved me. They want me to be happy. Years later, these men are still some of the most compassionate, wonderful human beings that I know! How is this possible? Will I one day be able to have this with Jo? How much time must past? Do I still have the magical ability to manifest amazing men? I am ready now for the love and commitment that Aidan and Dean offerred back then...and that Jordan is not ready for yet. Timing. Will I meet someone who will be ready now that I am? Could I have used up all my chances?

Watched Oprah today and something was said about breakups that I found stuck. Once two people have broken up their work is not done. There is still mending and healing work that can and should be done together. Maybe this is what I am going through right now with Jo...the ups and downs of the post-breakup work that a conscious relationship requires.

Back to Pender tomorrow. Thank God. It is a graceful blessing to have somewhere to go that is so healing. Please, everyone reading this, send me your love energy. I am stumbling greatly and need all the help and support I can get. Hard to ask for help. Harder to be alone in this pain.

A quote from an affirmation I read yesterday:
"I let go of that part of myself that is certain it is better to suffer and feel like someone than it is to just let go and quietly be no one."

Not even sure how I feel about that quote. Not sure I am ready to be no one. Not sure I can keep enduring all this sufferring.

The Truth is I am sure. Somewhere on some level. It will all unfold before me sooner or later. I must Hold On.

Thank you Aidan and thank you Dean. Thank you for loving me so much then and for still sending me such love even Now. If only I could have met you at a time when I knew myself, knew what I had. You were both amazing partners and are never far from my heart, no matter how much time passes, no matter who I currently call my partner. We were the lucky ones.

I said I would love you forever and I do. I love you...both of you...all of you...

...including Jordan...

for the love changes forms and sometimes wears clothes that look like anger or jealousy or hate or shame...but underneath All Of It there is the Love and it is constant and for reminding me of that this week I am forever grateful.

Sleepless In Vancouver

2006-05-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't slept much at all for six nights in a row now.

I am becoming loopy with tiredness.

I feel like I am clinging to a doorknob as a proverbial door tries to shut. I am using all my strength to keep it from shutting and still it slips inch by inch. In this metaphor crowds of people are watching this, throwing stones at me and beating me and doing all they can to rip my grip from that doorknob. I am slowly becoming a bruised, battered, exhausted pile of flesh and still I cling with every last molecule of will in my body. It feels as if I might die if that door closes. I am not ready to let go.

I miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I know that I said that I hate him. But under the hate is love and under the love is pain and under the pain, I just miss him.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

As for yesterday, Seattle was a blast. It was amazing to be in a room filled with over a thousand people who share my same spiritual philosophy. It was amazing to be somewhere I didn't need a turtleneck when I burst into tears. In that two hours I was filled with a joy that was bigger than all this crap going on in my life and I was lifted. Truly. I was even filled with an overwhelming urge to Let Go of this crap. But later that day, driving back to Canada, I knew the doorknob was still there in my tight little fist.

Picture of Jen and I in the car, driving at about 7am -- not bad lookers for having gotten up before 6am...

The question I ask myself this morning is this: what would happen in my ideal situation? (Ok, other than HTSNBN showing at my door and having complete and total Knowing about Us and choosing Me forever.) Would it be better if we could still talk to each other in a polite and tidy way? Do I wish that things were still like they were in April? The way they were in November? That is where I am stuck, I guess. All the options seem to end up leaving me sad, sad, sad and the first option may only ever exist in my dreams.

So, I cling to my friends and my work schedule gets busier and busier. I become a part of Windflower - Pat's band at Pender - and we already have about 4 or 5 gigs. I will still go to the MM Meeting as I doubt he will be there and give of my service and attend the Centre and dance when I get a chance. Perhaps I will even start a creative project here in Vancouver and I have a bunch of visitors coming throughout summer. I could start dating, but the guy might wonder why I am clutching a doorknob the whole time we are out. Past that, I just wait and hurt and wait and hurt...and hope and cry and wait...and miss him...

And wish that I did not.

The Good 'Ol Days

2006-05-06T00:38:00.000-07:00

I came across this posting of mine from the end of 2004. I was so happy. I was the kind of chick that I would want to know. Finding this posting has been the catalyst to a small spark of healing that is starting to pull me out of the nightmare. Here was me, just as I was starting to fall for HTSNBN, back when my life was mine...

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Conclusion

Thank you one and all for riding this wave with me in 2004.

I end this blog at the same computer at which it started, buried deeply into the safety that is my childhood bedroom. Everything around me is familiar and yet nothing is the same.

This has been the most incredible year of my life.

I cut my hair, left my career, walked away from a dream, sold all my materials goods, said farewell to a city that held me for ten years and ended a relationship with a man who i could have easily stayed with forever. I did it all because at some point i had begun to not recognize myself and i knew i needed to shed all my stories and all my life boats and all my habitual definitions and see what lurked beneath. I set out this year to find a new path and decided ultimately to do it all by myself. There were some points i wondered if i might drown. There were definitly moments that i didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But because of my new found faith in It All, in myself, i trusted the Universe and it has delivered me.

And now i am living a life more raw and real and beautiful and authentic than i ever thought imaginable. In fact, like the book that Jordan gave me for Christmas, it seems that i will be living an unimaginable life from here on in.

I have new dreams that quietly grow in me daily...baby dreams, MY dreams - seedlings that i water and nuture and protect...

I have a new geographical home. I look at mountains on my way to work, i dance on beaches that touch the Pacific Ocean, i have a wardrobe of umbrellas.

I have my very own sanctuary. Living on my own is as wondeful as i always thought it would be. My apartment is a home -- warm, welcoming, inspired, safe.

I have kept the old friendships that have embraced my changed and evolved Self and gently released those that have not. I have made so many new friends with such shining souls that i can't believe that i have not known them a lifetime.

I have discovered ways of dancing and singing and writing and performing that are not about competeing and judging and achieving and panicking.

I have looked my ego straight in the face and said - no more will you beat on me. No more will you try to convince me that i am selfish or cold or spoiled or cruel or lazy or fat or a failure. I will not allow you to treat me like shit anymore. The only one welcome here is the Truth and that Truth knows that i am perfect, beautiful, lovable and kind. I have a restraining order out on Ego and my bruises are starting to fade.

I have started a flow of money in my life that feels so good that i refuse to apologize for it or its source -which i know is ultimately Spirit. I like my job for the freedom it has given me, for the safe vehicle that it has provided to get me from there to here. I wear corporate power clothes, i 'do' lunch, i give out business cards, i look forward to weekends. I am having so much fun and although i know it is not where i will end up, i am enjoying the journey.

I have a great car, i have acquired beautiful things, i will most likely acquire more of them...or not. Whatever. I know now that i don't need things and, although i enjoy them, i could sell everything again tomorrow and be perfectly content. What freedom!

I have lost weight, healed my body of several maladies and have an immune system so strong that i feel untouchable.

I have watched my love affair with transpersonal psychology through Course in Miracles, Science of Mind and other New Thought teachings grow and grow and grow. These teachings/philosophies are not a 'phase' i am going through. They are the manifestation of my silent ponderings, the culmination of my 27 year search for home.

Last, but not least, i have been handed Jordan Hart Goode Lewin. I said goodbye to Aidan to do the next leg of my journey alone and i wasn't sure when or how i would ever be ready to be in partnership again. What i forgot was that wasn't a decision i needed to make. Life made it for me. On November 27 i met my next biggest challange. I have redefined myself, proven to myself who i am without anyone, experienced joy on my own under my own direction. Now Life is asking me to do all this while opening completely once again to love. Every fear i have ever had about myself and men and relationships and heartbreaks and sex have come to visit me again in the form of a beautiful man who adores me. I thought at first i wasn't ready, but i know better. Nothing is handed to you that you aren't ready for...

So 2005 will begin with me feeling more myself than ever before AND with my hand being held by a boy from Colarado - who i know is just another angel here to deliver me to myself. I don't know what is going to happen. I get that there are no guarantees. I am aware that i will miss the mark sometimes and feel fear and get lost and be found and redefine stuff day in and day out. I commit only to 2 things: showing up and....well...lol... making up the rest as i go along. But i know. I know that i know that i know.

I have never been so happy. I have never felt so precious. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

"Let the adventure begin, for we are ready. Welcome magic, which is everything real we can not see, welcome insanity, which is everything unexplainable we were taught to fear. Welcome Spirit, which is love, welcome love, which is everything."

And deliver me to myself he has...

Left me with myself to fall in love with I...

All over again.

Crying Into My Turtleneck

2006-05-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

If Time heals then Time is slacking off.

I woke up this morning and here is what immediately and I mean IMMEDIATELY came to my mind:
HTSNBN naked rolling over and intertwining his body into TOHWTRMW's naked body and they slowly wake up and look at each other and sleepily smile and soft joy fills their naked, hippy bodies as they thank the Universe for delievering them from their past relationship that just always felt 'wrong' into this one which feels oh-so 'right'.

So, that is how I started my day.

It didn't get better. By evening I found myself in this scenerio:
Me curled up in an old arm chair in a dark dining hall at a bible camp, surrounded by about forty people watching a Missionary video while I silenty cry, face covered by my turtleneck to muffle my sobs, pretending to watch the same video when really I am googling up info about TOHWTRMW and dying inside.

Which takes me to now.

I have just stood beside a woodfire spitting tiny fireworks onto a night sky bright with stars. With a background soundtrack of a toad and cricket chorus, my monkey mind has listed all the ways TOHWTRMW is perfect for him:
She is all the things that he loved about me; fiesty, smart, pretty, spiritually connected. She is all the things that I am not that make them such a good match; she is a hippy (without really quite wanting to admit it), she is into yoga (she is a certified teacher), she is a vegetarian (a life filled with quinoa and avocado), she is a techie (works for a company who is dedicated to using the web for social activism), she is an environmentalist (has a blog on a site called 30 Days of Sustainability), she has a meditation cushion beside her bed (told you I researched her), she lives in a community house (hippy speak for a bunch of messy people shoved into a a much too small space so that they can share everything and pretend they don't all want to kill each other), she is a self proclaimed Geek (PU-LEEEEZE, no one who actually thinks she is a geek posts 75+ photographs of herself on her Flickr site), she is into Photography (see last bracket), she is currently breaking up with someone who is not taking it well (get me his email address, we should talk), she hopes to one day live on an Island in BC and be a Certifiably Organic Country Gal (he has always dreamed of living on the Island), she is attractive to him (something I could never seem to sustain in his eyes) and when she has free time she likes to go hiking and spend it with the trees (of course she does).

I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK???

If I wrote a character called 'the perfect woman for HTSNBN' I could not have written a more perfect profile. Worst of all, with all my stalking It seems like she is the kind of woman that, If I didn't want dead, I would like.

I don't even know for sure if they are really getting together or together yet or if they will ever even take off as a couple or if they are already naming babies. I could be obsessing for nothing. But my instincts tell me its happenning. My gut says that maybe he has been preparing for this for months, for her. That is why it hurts. It is this sick knowing in the pit of my stomache.

So, about to sleep and I have allowed another beautiful day to be stolen from my precious, short life.

And these are the lyrics that ring in my ears:
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Teeter Totter

2006-05-04T00:23:00.000-07:00

Moments of joy popping up through heaps of crap...like daffodils in manure.

Joy Moment: Getting on the ferry last night to come back to Pender, I suddenly felt like I was escaping the pain, duping it - heehee you can't catch me! The sun was setting and the water was calm and as the ferry pulled out I decided to sit on the deck and play Danny Boy on my tinwhistle. Since I am not very good yet on the tinwhistle this took my entire focus...which was hard with such a magnificent sunset occuring. There I was on the Pacific with no one else around and this yearning melody floating out into nowhere and a sky so alive that I could feel it touch my face and for a moment I forgot. It was then that I looked up and this handsome stranger was standing next to me. "I haven't heard one of those since I was a boy," he said to me in a thick Irish accent and I started to laugh and blush and hide my tinwhistle. He was smiling at me from ear to ear and he was about my age and he was beautiful. SAY SOMETHING BACK, I willed myself. "Would you like to try it?" I asked. "No, no," he replied, "keep playing, it sounded lovely." Then, as the sun set behind him he stood there and stared at me for a few more seconds and I simply could not make any more words come out of my mouth. "It was nice meeting you" I heard him say finally, reluctantly and then, he was gone.

Gone.

Ok, well, maybe not Gone with a capital G, but he had stepped out of this daffodil moment and into the ferry cabin and the moment passed. I could go in and still introduce myself, I knew. But somehow with the passing of the moment came and overwhelming heave of pain and a slow exhalation. I could have ran after him, but I did not. Why? Because I am shy and suck at talking to gorgeous men who are strangers. Because I feel unable to take any risk of rejection after how hugely I have been rejected. But mostly because I am not ready. Not yet. Because It was a perfect moment exactly as it was and I was content to leave it as that. Perfect.

Thank you, Irish stranger. Thank you for approaching me at sunset to the tune of Danny Boy while we floated on the ocean and for staring at me and my song like we were beautiful angels. The way you looked at me, the way you smiled, the way you kept looking...all of it reminded me...

... that one day HTSNBN will stop being inside my every thought, hope, breath and I will love again.

Not a bad daffodil for all this manure.

HTSNBN

2006-05-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

I feel like shit today. Nauseous, unsettled, angry, sad, my body in knots.

I will myself to not care about He That Shall Not Be Named (HTSNBN). It was actually quite funny today, as I walked down the street, I tried to Tony Robbins myself into not caring. "OK GIRL," I said to myself in my head, "YOU CAN DO THIS. JUST CHOOSE TO LET IT GO COMPLETELY. GO BACK TO THE FALL OF 2004 BEFORE HTSNBN AND EMBRACE THAT PLACE YOU WERE IN - INDEPENDENT, HAPPY, CONTENT TO BE SINGLE. NOW, LIFT YOUR HEAD HIGH AND LOVE TODAY!!!!!!!!" And for a moment this motivational self-talk works and you see me get about 2 inches taller and I notice that it is sunny and the ache in my gut subsides and I think "It's working....".

Then, I realize what the consequences are of my rage, I picture Them together, I see all the moments of terrifying loneliness lining up before me and down I shrink and back comes my stomache ache. I know that walking around inside of my life this upset and angry and sad and jealous and scared will only put me in the prision. It won't affect HTSNBN or Sarah.

That is her name. Sarah. She has a website. She is a female version of him. Yes, I know it is self-torture to go to The One He Wants to Replace Me With's (TOHWTRMW) website and look at a gazillion pictures of her and read her blog until you start to dry heave. But it is Day One and I am not dealing well. I promise to not do it everyday. Much.

I just reread what I have written and I am sounding a bit too much like my brother's Ex. Sometimes it sucks to be conscious of your own craziness. Sometimes I wish I could just be blindfully blameful for more than one or two days and be the kind of person who secretly gets TOHWTRMW fired from her job or plants false evidence in HTSNBN's path so that he begins to question her credibility and ends up alone. Like the soap operas or Melrose Place or something. But once I have flown into a rage and cursed the world for a little while, I just end up sitting like a lump reconciled with the fact that if he would rather be with TOHWTRMW and she makes him happy, then why fight it? He only ever liked eating cookie dough with me. You can't build a future on cookie dough.

Off to Pender tonight. Thank God. I gotta get out of this place. Before I do something I will regret like rigging up a poison or, even worse, beg HTSNBN to forgive me and find time to squeeze me in every 7 weeks or so for an obligatory coffee where we would sit and talk about TOHWTRMW and how happy they are. I am blessed to have Pender.

How can I miss someone who is so hurtful?

Two Months Later...

2006-05-02T01:28:00.000-07:00

It is May 1st...almost 2 months since I last blogged. These two months have been a roller coaster of life changing events for me and It has felt like being without my right hand to not blog about it. But I meant it when I said that being on my website makes me nauseous, so I stayed away and figured maybe it was okay to be going through some of my big decisions privately. Tonight, though, another break through occurred and I knew that even if it was going back to good 'ol blogger.com, I needed to start living out loud again. So here I am. Hello. It's been awhile.

First off, for those of you who really freaked out over my last blog entry entitled The End, please know that I am okay. You were witnessing the darkest days of my life as of yet and, yes, they did rattle my core. But with the love of my mother and my family and my other less-blood-related family (aka:friends) I somehow got through it. I stayed in Vancouver, I repainted the apartment and I got a great job on Pender Island. I stopped the Real Estate thing which was not making me happy and by the end of the month thought I would evolve up a notch on the Consciousness ladder and try to let Jordan back into my life in whatever way was possible. By April my life was looking up. Way up.

It is now May and I can tell you that I am glad that I made all the decisions I did even though the last decision, to allow Jordan into my life, crashed and burned. In fact, tonight, writing this, I can finally say that I have found my Anger about the SHITTY way I have been jacked around and I actually sort of hate him. He has led me on time and time again only to yank himself away and remind me that his actions speak nothing of his true feelings. He has even done this yanking trick post-break up and I allowed it. I laid myself down on the ground like a silly doormat and begged 'please walk on me'. Now, Jordan has met another girl (surprise, surprise, surprise) and I have decided it is the last insult. If he wants to be with another girl then he does not get to string me along side to watch.

From this moment on, i say JORDAN WHO?

Other than my intimate rage in this regard, I am pretty happy with my life. I am starting to grow back the spine that had seemed to turn to jelly over the last year. I love the Island and this new job that gives me the chance to make music and take walks and work without being stressed. My friends have shown up 100% the last 60 days and I have fallen in love with all of them in a deep and profound way. My apartment is lovely (other than the invisible bugs in my bed that keep biting me??!?) and I am making money again. It has been hard to be alone in this space, but I am coping. One day I hope to wake up and feel blessed again to be single.

Until then, I just keep picking up pieces of my broken heart and celebrate everything that this ending has brought me...

...which is, of course...a beginning.